People.

five.

Every night I have a dream, when we speak almost every day. But then I come back to reality and hear him mentioning her. I stopped caring.

I don't remember much from this week, cause all I do is studying, consuming too much food, listening to kpop, praying and sleep. I found time to read a book today, I'm proud.

I tell my father about the math test, mentioning one question I just couldn't solve. The response is obvious.

- But... That's so easy, come on.

Maybe I overthink everything, but I feel like an idiot, again.

I try to nap, I need to hear from Jacob, even if it's not the real him.

I sit by the window in a bus; he takes a place next to me. Quite a surprise, finally I'm not the only one who cares.

- Though day - he sighs - They've all gone crazy, completely.

- Saying epithetcaly. - I smile, even though I know it's not truth and the real Jacob would never sit next to me and he's still with Ellen.

- I envy you a bit.

- You don't have a reason to - I state, but he's going to deny.

- I do, you're so smart, kind, and talented with your passions, you know what you wanna do after highschool, you have a great family...

- We're that perfect just in pictures, like every family - I say - You know, why I feel so insecure about my body and everything about myself? Why am I so strict and too ambitious? Cause I took things personally and I couldn't learn from my mistakes, cause I wasn't allowed to make them. You see "that" girl, but I'm not her anymore. But it's so sweet of you to think that I am.

I just need to speak out everything I couldn't before. It's just a dream, so why not.

He doesn't say nothing for a moment. I start to worry if it was too much, but he was just taking the thoughts up.

- Everybody see what they wanna see, right? - he smiles slightly - You also know me as a social butterfly, but I was not well with myself too. I don't even have to try to disappoint my family.

- Hey, don't say that, you're slaying in art, that's a profession too - I deny his words, knowing, how it is - And  you know, the version of you that someone have created is not your responsibility, I try to comfort myself with that, even my therapist told me that.

- And who says that - he laughs - Really, you, Leo, Rose and Michelle believe in me more than I could. Thanks.

- I just said the truth - I shrug my shoulders - Cause it's true, you're unique. Everyone is.

When it gets deeper, I wake up. The alarm won't let me finish this dream. Getting up is so hard sometimes, but you do, what you gotta do, therefore I don't want to just exist, I wanna taste life with all of its colors.

***
Sitting in the cafe with them is another kind of anxiety. I'm myself only, when I'm with Rose, but when Jacob comes around, I can't help thinking about the chance I lost. 

- You always say it's easy, and it's not - states Rose, taking a sip of coffee.

- We had this in primary school - I say quietly; I'm not gonna panic, cause Jacob is here. No more.

- And you think we'd remember? - he raises one eyebrow and I swear, I have shivers. But I won't ever fall for these pretty eyes.

I have a joy to find, I have s dream to chase, so many other things I want... I'll go on and live my life, the time has come. Maybe I need to be best for myself.