People.

twelve

With trembling hands, I open Instagram. It feels safer to reveal my emotions through written words, allowing me to gather my thoughts and express myself with clarity.

Maxwell's name appears at the top of the chat list, and I take a deep breath. Each word is carefully chosen, I attach one of my poems I wrote about him.

Like, what do I have to loose? It's gonna be the craziness thing I've done

As I press the send button, a wave of vulnerability washes over me. I anxiously wait for a response, my heart pounding in my chest. The minutes feel like hours as I stare at the screen, anxiously checking for any sign of a message.

Finally, a notification pops up, signaling Maxwell's reply. I hold my breath, anticipation filling the room. His words appear on the screen, and my eyes quickly scan each line.

My heart sinks, and doubt creeps in. Did I ruin everything by confessing too soon? Was it too much for him to handle? Questions swirl in my mind, threatening to drown me in uncertainty.

A mix of anxiety and anticipation settles within me. I'm scared of what Maxwell's response might be, afraid that I may have destroyed anything between us.

***
I'm sitting in the bathroom at fuel station, while my dad is buying the fuel. I help him at work, since I passed all of my exams and I'm free. I don't know why I decided to read Maxwell's response in this toilet, but okay. I just don't want anyone to see me cry, if I get the reason to.

Minutes stretch into an eternity, and just as doubt begins to creep back in, a new message notification appears. My heart skips a beat as I fight my thoughts.

I'll do it. I'm courageous woman, and the Letter of Apostole Paul to Ephesians says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". I can overcome everything, even if I face pain or some kind of disappointment in the message I'm about to finally read.

I'll do it.

"Pauline, I'm in awe of the beautiful poem you wrote," Maxwell's reply reads. "And I respect your confession, truly. But this is all so surprising to me, and I need time to sort my thoughts, now I don't know what to reply."

Relief floods through me once again, this time mingled with a sense of shared vulnerability. Maxwell's honesty make me feel seen and understood.

I respond, "I'd be more than happy, if we could remain colleagues".

"Don't worry, nothing changes between us", he replies. But then, another message comes through, and relief washes over me like a soothing balm. "And please, don't ever apologize for your feelings," Maxwell continues.

Tears of both relief and hope well up in my eyes. He may not have given me an immediate answer, but that's fine.

***
The sun streams through my window, casting a warm glow across my room. It is a new day, filled with endless possibilities and unanswered questions. As I reach for my phone on the nightstand, I can't help but wonder what the day would bring, especially in regards to Maxwell.

"Hi, how's your day going so far?" I typed, my fingers dancing across the screen.

Seconds feel like hours as I anxiously await his response. The three dots indicating his typing appear on the screen, disappear, and reappea ragain. The anticipation is almost unbearable.

"Hey, it's been pretty good. Just finished a morning rehearsal. How about you?" his message reads.

A smile tug at the corners of my lips as I read his words. Maxwell's casual tone mirrors my own, giving me a glimmer of hope that we could find a sense of the unspoken tension.

***
As the days turned into weeks, my mind couldn't help but wander to the unspoken tension between Maxwell and me. Doubt began to seep in, fueled by the silence that lingered in our conversations. I found myself questioning if I had said too much or pushed too hard.

But amidst the worry and uncertainty, a voice within me gently reminds me that some things are beyond my control. I take a deep breath, acknowledging that the outcome of our situation isn't solely in my hands. It is a realization that brings both comfort and challenge. I can't force the answers or manipulate the path we were on. All I can do was trust and have faith that the right things would unfold in due time.

Feeling a need for solace and guidance, I reach for my Bible. Its worn pages hold wisdom and comfort that had sustained me through many trials and uncertainties in the past. With trembling hands, I open it to a random page, seeking words that can bring me comfort in this particular moment.

My eyes land on a verse from the book of Proverbs: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs chapter three, verses five through six. The words resonate deep within me, a gentle reminder to surrender my worries and fears.

Feeling a renewed sense of peace, I decide to confide in my mom. She had always been a source of guidance and understanding, and I know she can also help me put it all in order.

Sitting down with her in the living room, I hesitate for a moment before broaching the subject.

- There's something on my mind. - I say carefully. Her eyes fillwith concern, and she reaches out to hold my hand. She knows what's going on, it's always either my friends or Maxwell.

- What's been weighing on your heart?

I take a deep breath, gathering my thoughts.

- It's about Maxwell. Since I sent him this poem, it's been causing me a lot of worry. Things are so uncertain. He told me he needs time to process this, but it's been two weeks and I can't help but wondering, if it wasn't too much, and he's just too kind...

- Sweetheart, it's natural to feel that way. - mom says; she always tries to understand both sides and she will never tell you something doesn't matter. She always has a patience to listen. -  But remember - she continues - That you can't control how others feel or what they choose. All you can do is be honest with yourself and with him. You did a lot, and I'm both shocked and happy with your courage, however, it's surely normal, wanting the answer.

Why is patience such a difficult fight?

- I know, it's just hard to let go of the worry and the need to know - I admit. I sigh. Sometimes I think I wish he could just reject me in the beginning, I could've start to get him outta my head.

***
Sitting at my desk, I glance at the Bible still open to the verse from Proverbs. With a grateful heart, I close it gently, knowing that its words would continue to guide me.

Feeling a sense of calm, I pick up my phone and decide to send Maxwell a message, not as an attempt to seek immediate answers but just to ask how he's doing.

"Hi, how's it going? Everything okay?", I ask, because I'm terrible at small talk. But this in "my language" means "I care for you and I really care for the answer, tell me everything, I won't judge, you're special to me and I want you to know that I can be your safe place if you need one". Long definition, I know.

"It's fine, but a lot happened recently", Maxwell replies. He's more open face to face, I'm more brave online.

I look at my Bible again. If this is the way God wants me to go, it will happen. I just need to be faithful. The human desire to know everything is so tiring sometimes.

I text back "How about th exams?"

"Will start in July, but I'm already exhausted and with zero motivation", to he writes.

"It happens, and you're the one who always tells me to be nicer to myself"

"You got me. And what you are doing?"

"Just overthinking life, you know", I answer. I find comfort in our conversations and I'm sure we'll teach each other so much.