People.

twenty one

I met Leo, while I was coming back from class. It turns out that our faculties' buildings are only two streets away, so I went with him. It happens when I'm having a terrible day; I smile and think that in Heaven they know I'm doing my best but feel not so well, so surprise! - few minutes with a friend.

And yes, Rose still doesn't talk to me. She showed up one day, we had a conversation, after she left I cried my eyes out, felt like six knives in my back, had a breakdown and tried to put myself together.

I had to accept the fact that it's over, just like I did with Maxwell. Fifteen years and fifteen weeks are incomparable, however, both hurt like six knives in the back.

People probably won't ever stop leaving me in shock and awe. Sometimes someone caring a tiny bit is enough to surprise me, sometimes just being nice. My achievement of the semester is talking to Nina, meeting her for lunch and having few conversations with Jane - not my Jane, but Jane from my group at uni.

We're sitting at the corridor, waiting for our first and only class for the day. Kathleen, Jane and both Sophies stare at their phones and I'm sipping on my coffee. Nina won't come today, but I hope to talk to her tomorrow.

There're two boys in the group. And around fifteen girls, including me. And I was hoping to meet my future husband there... Am I delusional? Am I worried about everything in life? Kinda. But are we surprised? I'm not, by anything this week.

At teraphy I've talked the issue of me and Rose in every aspect possible, and I came to the point where I feel almost fearless in this area of my life - maybe I just need ot follow this inner feeling that time, hoping that I'm making the right decision, but if I'm not, I'll definitely feel correction, simple as that.

It's sad that every story I create is just a painful picture of something I've been through, but closed in a different person and circumstances. I used to see myself as pathetic, but then miss Jessica noticed, that I'm having no understanding for myself and that even if you're used to something, it doesn't mean this thing doesn't hurt. It hit me like a truck.

***
Nina, Vicky and Vivienne are all still eating, while I'm sipping on my cold coffee. This was very spontaneous for me, but I took the chance, thinking "they asked you to come, it isn't impossible for people to like you" and "relationships with others will not built themselves on their own".

- Is it common in your families too? - Vicky asks; she has tons of bracelets, rings and necklaces and still looks like a highschool girly.

- Not really - Vivienne replies. She talked to me on the first day and I guess I made a good impression.

- Definitely yes - says Nina - If there's some schabowy from two days ago, then,sure.

- Yes, but the cat gets it - I laugh after saying this and that's how we begin the talk about our pets. that's always a good topic, you can't go wrong with that; literally Leo's words of wisdom.

I like spending time with Nina so much. We have some energy in common, I laugh a lot while talking to her and, what's most important to me - I feel comfortable and I've reached this state quite quickly. If we can talk on Messenger for almost two hous, hat means something. And just a month ago I was crying that I won't ever be able to make new friends. How did it happen that I can actually have a good time with people I talked to only few times? Not with all of them, but with a huge part, yes. There are some people in the group that I don't vibe with, and this one girl that annoys me for unknown reason. I really wish I knew what I don't like about her, but, either way, we gotta be kind.

The thing that hasn't changed since highschool - I get attached to people so easily, that it becomes more and more funny. I did an assignment before with Nina, so when we got another one to do, it almost felt obvious, that we're going to be in one group. That made be sober for a good moment. Attachment. Again. I don't expect hurting here, but I wasn't expecting it in many different cases... but then something in me goes like "but that's Nina/Jane/the other Jane, how would she ever intentionally hurt me?" or maybe I'm so used to aching because of people, that it becomes the first scenario coming to mind, even if I don't have a thing to worry about.

The conclusion is, I've found a friend and days at uni became a bit brighter. I'm no longer only a lonely over-achiever, I have something to cover my wound after I didn't have my group I relied on at school. And this feeling is so... relieving. Like, it's giving me a tiny bit of what I perhaps am missing (partially).

***
The first semester is over. I'm dancing to some rainy, calm song Marina chose; moreover, she gave us things we have to use in the dance, and I ended up with a tissue. I wave my hand in the air, watching the tissue flying like cherry blossom. When this metaphor hits me, I almost automatically see the road we went through, the path by that one bus stop, which is still filled with laughter and light. I smile delicately, imagining that this tissue is just one of the petals at our feet, one of the leaves at the park. Then my movements receive more dynamics, more dramaturgy. My left hand, which is younger me, is trying to find the right one, which is holding the tissue, which is Maxwell. They're getting more far and far away, and at some point we hit a moment where the tissue hits my chest. Like the day he left me, like a lonely star.

I think that the moments when I laughed and loved so strong in few precents can make up for all the pain. He treated me in a way I wouldn't expect from him, he broke me unto million pieces. Leaving, he took a tiny one of them.

However, he woke up some feelings in me that I never knew in such a way. I know I loved him, I was there, dang. Maybe I was attention seeker, maybe I was awkward, but despite everything I did wrong, I know I loved. Not only him, but her too, just in a different kind of love.