Painful - A Jacksepticeye x Depressed Reader FanFiction

Chapter 10 - home

(y/n) pov.

I had a long talk with my parents. We argued a lot – especially if I should be sent to a mental hospital. Same as Sean, they saw my arms when I was unconscious. I could not talk myself out of it and blame it on the accident. I had no other choice then to tell them, I relapsed. I told them the usual lies: "I'm not addicted anymore." "It was one time" and so and so. I tried my best to lie my way out of an impossible situation. But they did not believe me – why would they? My mother was suspicious of me all these years but tried to shake off the bad feeling she had when I went to live on my own in Ireland. I was worried that they would force me to move back in with them. But after some discussion back and forth, she just said: "You're over 18 now. You can stay here in Ireland and finish school BUT there is one condition: you have to stop self-harming. If we see new cuts after your graduation, we will not pay for your apartment anymore. Do we have a deal?" I agreed. I would do anything to stay in Ireland. Especially now.

After my parents had left, I opened my laptop and watched a few movies. I went to sleep early. Next morning the doctors came in to check on me. "Is there already a day on which I can expect going home?", I asked them. One of them looked through the papers on their board. "We would like to monitor you for a few more days. If nothing changes, we will discharge you on Monday." I nodded. "Monday. 4 more days", I thought. But I would not complain. Their job was to make sure I was stable enough to be on my own at home.

During these 4 days, Sean visited me every day. We finished Season 1 of Stranger Things and continued with Season 2. We avoided talking about the things we told each other. I wasn't ready to tell him more about my addiction. I also wasn't ready to talk to him about feelings at the moment. I wasn't ready to deal with whether I felt something for him or not.

On Sunday morning my doctor came to my room. He told me I would be discharged the next day. "These are some great news", I said smiling. I was happy. "I have to talk to you about something else..." I looked at him a bit confused. Then I sighed and realised what he would want to talk with me about. "And judging by your reaction, you already know", he said and looked at me. "As your doctor, I highly recommend talking to one of our psychiatrists before leaving the hospital tomorrow. I can call upstairs and ask them to come down to your room today and talk with you for a bit..." "Thanks, but...I don't take the risk of a 72-hour hold. I know what psychiatrists are going to think as soon as they see my arms, so...no thank you." I stared at him. No emotions in my face. I was cold as ice. "Are you sure? We have a great team of professionals. They might be able to help you figure something out. You might not need to stay." "I am. Thank you for your concern but...I know how things unfold as soon a...shrink...talks to me. Like I said, I don't risk having to stay another 72 hours due to some...misunderstanding." He looked at me. And I looked at him. He knew, there was nothing he could do to convince me otherwise. So he left.

That evening I packed all my things. I was ready to go home. Sean and I had a phone call. He said he would pick me up the next morning and drive me home. I was glad he offered it since I would have needed to take a cab – which would have been expensive. I was also still quite weak and did not want to rely on a strangers help to get into my apartment.

In the morning I waited for the doctors to discharge me. I was impatient – I just wanted to be home. My fridge, my TV, my PC and my bed. These were the things I was excited for. "Hey", Sean greeted me as he walked into the room. "Hey." "Ready to go home?" I nodded. He sat down next to me and we waited for the doctor to arrive. Half an hour later I had my discharge-papers and was ready to go. Sean grabbed my bag and we started walking through the hospital. I had 2 crutches which helped me with my balance. I was still very slow and we had to take two break before we reached the front entrance. "Sit down on a bench. I'm gonna get the car and pick you up." I nodded. I was glad cause I felt exhausted. It took us 15 minutes to reach the entrance. It took Sean 10 more minutes to get the car – which would have taken half an hour if I would have walked with him. As he drove off, I felt relieved. I felt great.

"I have groceries in the trunk for you. I went shopping earlier and thought you might need a few things as well", he said. I looked at him. "Thank you. You did not need to do that." "I know but it's not a big deal. I think you would do the same if I was in your situation." I nodded. He helped me get out of the car. We went to my apartment. "Sit down, I'll grab the rest of the stuff", he said while I was opening the door. "Thanks." I waited for him at the door and closed it behind him.

"So, this is your apartment." I nodded. "It's not huge but...I have enough space for everything." He looked around. "I'll give you a quick tour." I showed him the kitchen first so he could drop off the bags of groceries. "If you need something else, let me know and I'll get it for you." I nodded. I was so overwhelmed how nice he was to me. He really cared about me. I blushed about that thought a little. I tried to focus on the tour again. "As you can see, I have a bit of a smaller table but otherwise the couch and TV- setup would not have fit in here." He nodded. "It looks really nice." "Back there is the bathroom and the toilet", I pointed down the hallway to the right. "And left is my bedroom where I have all my PC-setup and stuff. But that room is quite messy. Last Monday would have been 'cleaning-day'. So don't be sad if I don't want to show it to you right now..." "I understand. If you need help with your cleaning..." "I will let you know. But I will manage. You already did more than enough for me. It's not that bad. I will rest now and see how I feel about cleaning a little bit later. I'll just split the work over the next few days." "Okay. But don't overwork yourself. You need rest." He pointed at the couch. "I know. I will." He walked to the door. "If you need help with something or want something out of a store...let me know." He looked at me concerned. "I don't want you to get hurt again." "I know. I will call you, if I need help. I promise." He nodded and smiled at me. "I can never make this up to you. You did so much for me during that last week..." "Don't worry about it. I just want to help. Like I said – you would have done the same thing for me." I nodded. I opened the door. "I'll text you later. I might take a quick nap", I said. He nodded. "Sounds good." "Bye for now." "Bye."

I closed the door and slid down the wall. I didn't know what I felt or should feel. I just knew I could ruin everything by doing this. "Sean and I are friends...I can't lose control of my feelings." I remembered him saying he liked me. Shivers ran down my spine. He did...for now. But it was too risky to put it all on one card. The friendship was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. If I allow myself to catch feelings for him, I could potentially lose everything that was keeping me alive - everything that was keeping me away from the blade...