Painful - A Jacksepticeye x Depressed Reader FanFiction

Seventeen

Jack's pov.

(y/n) and I had a wonderful day. We ate pizza and talked a lot about her classmates and other things. In the evening I walked home with her. Since the accident happened I didn't want her to walk alone through Athlone. I also took it as a chance to spend even more time with her. "How about showing me your apartment? I mean you saw my place, now it would be fair if I could see yours", I asked shyly. Did I really just invited myself to her flat? How stupid am I? Before I could apologize she said: "Sure. Should I pick you up at the bus station tomorrow?" She seemed a bit nervous about my question. "I'm such an idiot", I thought. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. 

(y/n) pov.

Jack...in my apartment? The place where I cut. Where I keep my secrets. I mean I like him but wasn't it a bit to early to ask such a question. But I didn't want him to feel dumb about the situation so I said yes. "I have to hide my litte box today. So Sean doesn't find out my secret", I thought. After our nice walk we arrived at my house. "Good night", I said and hugged him. He smelled so good. He was the first person I ever wanted to embrace. 

I let go and saw a big smile on his face. In that moment something inside me changed. My stomach felt weird and my body was tingling. "Your smile is so friendly", I said. "Thank you. Yours is also great." "Even though I don't smile that much?" "Maybe I should tell you some jokes. How about: "What do you call a fake noodle? - An Impasta." "Are you serious?" "Yes I am." I rolled with my eyes. "Well, maybe I'll find some better ones until tomorrow." "Try your best. Goodnight", I said. "Night. Sleep well." 

I unlocked the door. I threw my stuff on my bed and began to tidy up my whole apartment. Everything has do look good for tomorrow. He should not think I'm a messy person. Well...inside I am but. After cleaning I went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. "Do I really make such a big deal about a friend visiting me?", I asked myself. Maybe cause I feel more than friendship. His smile changed something in me. "Do I have a crush on Sean...my best friend?" 

I sat down on the floor. I had to think about everything. I never had a crush on someone before. I can't tell anyone. "If he finds out about that he might hate me." I panicked. I didn't want to loose Jack as my best friend. But he would never understand my feelings for him. He would start avoiding me and even start hating me. I panicked even more. "I need to cut." The words came to my mind. "I need to relax. Just a small cut." The voices in my head got louder and louder. I had no control about my body anymore. I opened the box and took out one blade. "Hello old friend. You would never betray me. You would never leave me or hate me because of my feelings", I said to the blade. Then I started with what I can do best...destroying myself.

~time skip~

After one hour sitting on the bathroom floor thinking and cutting I stood up and cleaned up the mess I made. I put the blade back in the box and placed it back in the shelf. I turned on the water and washed the dried blood off. I took a bandage and put it around my arm. Then I went to sleep like nothing happened.