Painful - A Jacksepticeye x Depressed Reader FanFiction

Chapter 13 - Feelings

(y/n) pov.

Sean lived in a nice area. The building his apartment was in had a nice, renovated facade and the balconies looked big enough to fit furniture and plants. My apartment didn't even have a balcony. But it was free for me, so I didn't complain. Maybe after I graduate I would look for another, better job and arrange with my parents to put some of my money from YouTube into it. Even if it would be close. But otherwise I could also take on a mini-job.

The front door was video guarded. Sean told me the intercom had a camera too so you could see who was at the front door. "That is so cool." I was happy my intercom works 9 out of 10 times.

As soon as he opened the door and I saw the hallway, I knew I would become jealous. The hallway was super wide – he had enough space to fit a nice seating area. It was nice and bright. "Wow." "That's just the hallway. Save your amazement for the good stuff." "I know, but you've seen my hallway. I'm barely able to fit a bench for my shoes there." He laughed. "Then you probably should sort out some pair." I rolled my eyes. "I don't even have that much..."

He showed me around. It was a really nice place and well decorated. "I try my best to keep all the plants alive." I laughed. "Yeah. I struggle with that too." "Are you hungry? I've some pizza in the freezer if you want some", he asked. "Not really. In fact, I already had pizza today...", I answered. "For lunch?" "Yeah. Some of my classmates drove there and they asked me if I want to tag along." Sean smiled at me. "That sounds nice. Did you have fun?" I nodded. "Yeah, it was okay...I think. They asked a lot about the accident..." I looked away. "What's wrong?" "It's just...I know they're only nice to me because of the investigation. Everybody fears that their prior actions could have consequences, so they all try to get on my good side." Sean sighed. "I understand where that's coming from." "What would you do?" "Play along. You never know what their true intentions are. Maybe you're wrong about them. Maybe they wanted to get to know you but were too afraid...and now after everything that happened, they see it as a chance to finally do so." "Yeah but...What if it's all a lie?" "Ask yourself another question: What is there to lose? Yes, betrayal hurts but...there is nothing else on the line...If they really want to get to know you, they'll give you time to adjust to the new situation. If not, you'll know soon enough because of their actions. People can't hide the truth forever..." I sighed. "You're right..."

Sean took out one pizza and put it in the oven. "Sit down on the couch. Do you want a glass of water? Or something else?" "Just water, please." Sean placed two glasses on the table. He even had really fancy coasters. "TV?" I nodded. He turned it on. We watched in silence until his pizza was ready.

"By the way, that black shirt really suits you", I said. "Thanks." "Be careful not to drop any pizza on it though..." "You're right. I'll change into something else", he said before sitting down. He started to undo the buttons of his shirt as he made his way to the bedroom. I took a deep breath. The nervousness inside me increased. I just hoped I hadn't blushed too much already. Sean came back in a T-shirt. "Thanks for the reminder. With my luck I'm sure a whole piece would have slipped right on it." I grinned "Always happy to help." "You're blushing..." "I'm not..." That made me blush even more. "You do...You're as red as a tomato..." "Okay, now that's a bit of an exaggeration..." Sean started laughing. I started laughing too. Normally I would have been so embarrassed that I would have gotten up and ran to the bathroom right away, but with Sean... I was able to just laugh about it without worrying about it. I could just be myself.

Sean had carried his plate into the kitchen. I didn't know what was going on because he didn't come back for a few minutes. All I could think was that he was distracted by something. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Yes, I'll be right back."

Less than a minute later he came back into the living room. I could see that his expression was serious. He had been thinking about something. Before I could think about it, he turned off the TV. He sat down next to me. "We should talk." His voice was serious.

"Okay..." I was curious, even though I already guessed what he wanted to talk about. "I'm sure you remember me telling you I liked you." I nodded. "I still do. And...I think you like...me too." Silence filled the room. I didn't say anything to that. I blushed again. I took a deep breath. I did not know what to say. My head was full and empty at the same time. "Sean...we're friends...right?" "Right..." He was a bit confused about the question. "I...I'm scared that...if I give in to these feelings...I could lose you completely." "You won't." "You're saying that now. Sean...being friends with you is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I...I can't risk losing you..." "I understand your worries and fears. Yes, feelings scare you. Yes, things can go wrong and you can fall out of love...But...I think you shouldn't run away from them – instead you should face the fear. I can understand that you are afraid of losing me. I can understand that you are afraid that it will complicate everything between us. And yes, of course there are people who lose their friendship through a relationship. But...I can promise that I don't plan on leaving you, especially not as a friend."I took another deep breath. My head was still filled up with thoughts.

"I...I just don't think I can make you happy. I don't think I can give you what you need. I'm such a mess that I'd just be more of a burden to you than I am I already do." "You're not a burden to me. You never were and you never will be. I've always been happy to help you - and I've always helped you voluntarily. You never forced me to do it, even though you might tell yourself that." He took a deep breath. "I'm incredibly proud of you. You've jumped over your own shadow so many times since we've met. You told me about your addiction. Today you went out to eat with people from your class. And most importantly: you've got it "I fought back from your accident. So no, you're not a burden to me at all. Because you're one of the strongest people I know." "Really?" He nodded. "You might not realise it but...you are a different (y/n). That's why I know you won't ever be a burden to me." "But...I can't...promise you that I won't relapse again...and then you'll see what a monster I am and...leave me...and" "I won't." My voice got stricter again. "But..."

"(y/n). Stop. You're so scared of admitting your feelings that you're using every reason you can think of to justify not dealing with them. I know you, so I was patient about this. But we need to talk about it. We can't tiptoe around the topic forever." I said nothing. He was right. I was trying to find a justification for not talking about what was obvious. "I think it's time for you to decide what you want. I'll leave the room for a few minutes to give you time to think about what it is that you want. When I come back, I want you to tell me your decision. Either you tell me honestly how you feel and we talk about it...or you choose to keep quiet about it and we remain friends. If that's your choice, I'll accept it and stop mentioning feelings. Okay?" I nodded.

Sean left the room. I took a sip of water to calm my nerves. Sean was right: I had to make a choice. I liked him - more than just a friend. But if that was the case, I had to tell him. Even if that could mean losing him forever in the worst case. I considered every possible scenario. I considered all the pros and cons. I thought about everything.

I took another sip of water and a deep breath. I didn't think but let my feelings guide me. I got up from the couch. "Sean?" I asked. I heard a door open and footsteps in my direction. My pulse went up. My nervousness increased with every second I waited for him.

There he stood in front of me. He looked at me. And I looked at him. Our eyes met for a brief second. I felt something I had never felt before. And then I knew it: I was in love.

"Have you decided?" he asked. I didn't give him an answer.

Instead, I kissed him.