Subterranean | H.S.

S34

Music for this chapter:
The Less I Know The Better - Tame Impala

Persephone's pov

After a stressful day, evening and night I finally got a chance to get home safely and get a good night of rest. 

I came to my apartment being empty, which meant that Jack was still out and getting his ass drunk and high with his friends. Friends that he decided to pick over me. Friends that he has always picked over me and will pick over me. Last night I didn't care about that sort of thing. But now I do.

What has changed?

Now that it's morning and he's not home with me I feel lonely. I don't feel alone, I feel lonely. We all need to be alone sometimes and feel that way for ourselves to clear our minds. But today I wish I wasn't alone. Today I wish I didn't wake up alone in my bed. I wish I was in someone else's. Someone who'd care about me and be with me when I need them to be. Someone who'd just hug me and whisper to my ear that everything's going to be fine.

But the reality is different and it's sad. It's something that I'd want to change but I can't influence other people like that. I don't want to manipulate them. I don't know how to manipulate them. The only way to change it is to get rid of those people and I'm realizing it just now. The only way is to have who'd want to stay in this bed with you. A bed that was made by me, them, and hundreds of other people that I have past with.

I simply need someone to show me some affection.

I don't just want to have sex. Sex isn't always what we need to do in order to feel close to someone. We do it because we feel close to them. 

I want Jack to come home and hug me, tell me that Arnie will be fine, that I'll figure stuff out with Riley. I want him to tell me that I look like I'm good at doing my job, doing what I love and what makes me feel good. I need him to take his time and show me that he cares and that he can take me to the club if I need a ride. I need him to ask me how my day was. I want him to ask me if I'm fine.

But none of those things are ever going to happen because he's selfish. He's selfish and blind. He doesn't care about me as long as it doesn't influence his person. He doesn't want to know how was my day or about my work, or even about how it's going with my best friend. Because my work makes me dirty and my friend was telling me the truth right from the beginning and he doesn't like that. He hates people and things he can't have control over. And he will always choose himself. 

I don't remember the last time it was fun with him. When was the last time he just wanted to spend time with me instead of trying to have sex with me? When was the last time we were sitting in the car in the middle of the night and just laughing at our stupid jokes? There was no such thing.

It was Harry instead of him. Ever since I saw him for the first time.

I want to run out of bed and scream. I want to cry and break everything around me because this is wrong. I shouldn't have kissed him and I didn't mean to kiss him on the lips, his sweet, pink, and soft lips. It was supposed to be a kind gesture, showing him that I'm really grateful for all of this. He made me calm, he made me forget about everything just by talking to me. It means a lot to me, even if it doesn't to him. Hell, he didn't even care that I kissed him. 

I'm a cheater and that's another fact that I have to face. But I don't feel as bad about it as I thought I would. I danced with Zayn, which from the perspective of time I'd call cheating and I kissed Harry. But more than the fact that I did that is the thought in my head that's growing. It's a thought telling me that I'd do it again. And I know I would, I just wish I didn't. I'm trying to push it away from me, but at the same time, I don't want to. I want to feel comfortable again and he's the only available person right now that makes me feel like that.