Better Than Drugs - Dabi x Reader

Chapter 35

Y/N's POV

Kill me. Kill me now. I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to live this life any longer. The only thing that's keeping me alive and well is the drugs. I need to find somewhere, anywhere, to hide. I don't want to breathe anymore. I can't keep breathing like this.

The weight on my chest makes me weak. I can't feel my body like I used to. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Not even my greatest enemy...Enemy? Do I have one of those? Weirdly, I don't have many friends.

I want to be alone with my thoughts. Even then, those are awful enough to deal with. Maybe I just want to be alone. I'll have a cat named Fedya and we live together in a dark academic house in the middle of nowhere. He'll be a tuxedo cat with pretty green eyes.

Is the cat even worth it? I'm just going to kill myself, anyway. Fedya is going to be lonely and sad if I'm not around. Scratch that idea off. There's no point in getting a cat.

It has been a full twenty-four hours since I've had any drugs. The withdrawal wasn't as bad yesterday, but I'm ready to put a double-barrel shotgun in my mouth. Waking up this morning was the fucking worst thing to deal with. As always, I'm greeted by my ceiling, and it's the same each time. I hate looking up. Do you know what was different? Intense nausea in my stomach. I drowsily ran to the bathroom and emptied my stomach. There wasn't much, but I'm surprised there was anything at all.

My body shook from the pain all over. I was sweating on my forehead, top lip, and neck. I rested my head on the cold toilet bowl rim and tried to contain my emotions. Closing my eyes helped, but not that much. I should not be doing this cold turkey. Who thought this was a good idea?

Going to the hospital is probably the more reasonable idea in this situation, but I would rather inject morphine into my veins than go through detox. My wallet and keys are still missing, rather hidden instead. Selling my body would be a good idea in exchange for something, but I'd rather not contract some kind of disease.

Closing my eyes feels better, but I feel like I'm floating in a dying kind of way. I'm heavy yet light. I can't describe this feeling without someone thinking "you should go to the hospital." There are things in this life that no one can describe and there is an endless loop of pure nothing. We wake up, do what we need to do, then go to bed. You can break that cycle by popping a pill, snorting a line, or taking a hit. You'll just end up in another cycle that was easy to get into but fucking hard to get out of.

Addiction is no fucking joke. You don't think you have a problem because this is all an escape. Life will eventually get you, and you'll be left wondering where the money has gone, why are your friends and family so upset with you, and why does it feel so good to kiss death?

My hand found its way to my cheek, but it wasn't what I expected. I already knew my cheeks were sunken in, but it was cold to the touch. Dry skin covered in sweat that gave me no moisture. A heart running a marathon that's stuck in one place. Fingernails and hair that gave up on growing a beautiful garden. A jaw is so tight that not a single breath of air can pass through the lips and into weak lungs.

My body isn't functioning like it's supposed to. There's too much going on, yet my mind is dead silent. My whole body is taking over any thought and feeling that could occur through my brain and heart. This is way too much for me to handle, and I'm not even at the worst of the withdrawal.

I'm not going to survive.

A hand tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and I opened my eyes to see green eyes comforting me. I couldn't say anything. Talking felt like something I'd never done before and a skill that will never come to me. Zion sat with me on the floor and flushed the toilet. Her gentle hands pulled me over to her embrace and rested my heavy head on her lap. Healthy fingertips traced my horrid features, but I don't believe she thinks that of me. I'm still not happy with her, but I cannot move even if I wanted to.