Sometimes, life puts people on our way, really good people and if we truly love them, we have to fight for them. But right now, I don't know if I should fight for Cordelia or let her be happy with whoever she wants. Because sometimes, we have to learn how to let people go, too. And between these two situations, I don't know which one's the right one for Cordelia and myself. I love her so very much, but should I let her go? Should I fight for her?
The whole night, I've been tossing and turning in my bed, these two questions spiralling around in my head. I'm really so fucking confused right now. I can't stop thinking that if I wouldn't have this type of relationship with Cordelia, I would be telling her everything about my visit to my mom's right now. And maybe, just maybe she'd talk to me about her husband, about how he's like, what he enjoys, how they met... But we had to become closer and I feel like both our relationships are destroyed: the romantic one as well as the friendship.
There's another question that's haunting my mind and here goes: Why would Cordelia kiss me, sleep with me, act like we're together if she's already married? She looked so happy to see Hank yesterday, it just doesn't make any sense. I'd like to be in her head just like she can be in mine and just know how she sees the whole situation. I'd like to know what she thinks of me, what our relationship means to her, how her relationship with her husband is... I want to know her true, entire opinion on all of this. Because I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone if I learn that she played with me.
I really can't stay in my bedroom lying on my bed. I need to move, I feel my limbs tingle from how long I haven't made a real movement. So, I get out of bed and tiptoe my way to the kitchen where I meet someone. A tall, attractive woman. You see, when I first noticed that there was someone in the kitchen, my heart stopped for a second. I didn't think anybody would still be awake so late at night. Or I should say so early in the morning.
When I look at the time on the microwave, that's how I know that it's two in the morning. So why would she be awake at this hour, leaned against the counter, drinking a hot beverage — from the smoke escaping the mug she's holding with both hands. When she sees me, her eyes open wide and I can detect a sense of panic in her face, just for a second until she realizes who's standing in front of her.
When my heart starts to beat at a normal pace again, I walk over to Cordelia, careful not to make my steps heavy — even though it wouldn't wake anyone up. Quietly, I pull a chair from the round table and I sit on it, my eyes locked on the other woman. She looks at me too and she smiles softly at me before she hides it behind her mug, taking a sip of her beverage. We stay like that in silence for a few minutes before I break it.
"Why are you still awake at two in the morning?" Cordelia smirks at my question, tilting her head to the side.
"I could ask you the same." I scoff and find a more comfortable position on the chair, raising my eyebrows.
"I asked you first." Is what comes out of my mouth before Cordelia places her mug down on the counter and takes a seat on the chair right next to mine.
"Alright..." Cordelia's smile drops slightly as the older woman looks away. "I had something on my mind, a problem I have to find a solution to."
"Am I a part of the problem?" I know the answer damn well... but I want to hear it from her. The blond woman looks back at me, her forehead wrinkled and her lips pinched together.
"No." Well that was unexpected. "You don't have anything to do with that." Cordelia and myself stay silent for a while, staring at one another's eyes to understand what the other wants you to know, but isn't saying. Suddenly, the first word I said to Delia in my room earlier comes back in my mind. Why?
"I feel like I owe you some explanations. After all, I made a move on you when I knew it was wrong. And you might be wondering why..." I nod, feeling a little excitement travel through my entire body. "I am not... as happy with Hank as I pretend to be."
"What do you mean? Didn't you see how you greeted him when he came back?" I ask confused. Picking at the skin around my nails, I watch Cordelia look everywhere desperately, as if she was trying to find a way out.
"We are in a loveless marriage. We both know it, but neither of us as ever said anything about it. And he thinks I don't know what he does on his business trips, with all these women..." Cordelia pauses, her lips disappearing into a thin line and her eyes swelling up with tears. Hating to see her like that, I take her hand in mine and rub circles on its back.
"D... I'm so sorry."
"I am too." The older woman puts her eyes back on me, arboring a sad smile on her face. Her eyes as well as her nose are red and puffy and so I stretch my arm behind me to take the box of tissues that was on the dish cabinet to offer it to Cordelia. She takes two tissues and she delicately dabs under her eyes and nose. "That is why I let myself succumb to my temptations and became closer to you. I now realize that it was wrong, not because I don't have feelings for you — I do, really — but because I knew I was still married to Hank."
"And you never wanted to confront him with that?" Cordelia looks up, her lower lip trembling. We can stop talking about it if you want, is what I think for Cordelia to hear, but her only response is a shake of the head, her shoulders slumping.
"For the sake of my mother I couldn't divorce him." Her mother...? I think it's the first time Cordelia has ever evoked her. "She would've killed me if I did..."
Cordelia's gaze is lost in the distance and she's lost in her thoughts, nibbling her lower lip. She seems preoccupied, like if the thought of her mother had brought her back to a dark part of her life. Her eyes are deep, dark holes and I can't find their usual spark in them. The blond woman comes back in our present time, her alarmed eyes looking back at me.
"She hated him, yet she wouldn't have approved our divorce. She didn't want to accept the fact that I had waisted my time with him. So I never said a thing, her disapproval stopping me from doing what I wanted to do. But I should have done that a long time ago..." Hearing the pain she's in, I lean over the table and reach out, brushing off the tears fallen on Cordelia's cheeks. She smiles slightly, putting her hand over mine delicately.
"I'm so sorry I made you feel like you were the biggest mistake of my life," starts Cordelia turning her head to kiss the inside of my palm. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Kory." At this comment, my cheeks turn red and I feel my heart becoming all flustered. My eyes squinted, I give Cordelia my most genuine smile as I get up from my chair and wrap my arms around her neck, holding her tight, feeling her perfume entering my nostrils.
"I'll make it up to you, I promise." Cordelia strokes my hair and kisses me on the ear before she continues to hug me tight. "I'll talk to Hank soon, he won't be in our lives anymore. I don't want to lose you because of what my mother might've wanted."
"I don't want to lose you either." I say fondly, smelling this woman as much as I can trying to memorize her scent.
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When Grey Met Colors - Cordelia Goode
FanfictionA Cordelia X Reader book As far back as you can remember, you have never felt like you belonged anywhere. You always felt so different from everybody else and you thought that you had to adapt yourself to "fit in". But what if you could continue...
