When Grey Met Colors - Cordelia Goode

☆ Part 19 〜 The caring ☆

Leann, dead... No, that can't be true. I always thought this woman would live for a thousand years, so to know that she's dead at sixty two, it's a shock. It's been a few hours since I've got the news, yet I don't feel anything about it. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not relieved... I don't feel anything other than this constant exhaustion that's been hunting me for the past weeks.

    Cordelia left me alone to deal with the news — well, I strongly asked her to leave actually — but all I've been able to do was lying down on my bed, looking at the ceiling. Yep, here we go again. I also didn't open my phone to call Esther. She might be devastated and I don't know how to deal with that right now.

    I've also been really tempted to hurt myself again... but I'm trying hard not to get up and lock myself in the bathroom. I feel too lazy to get up on my feet anyway, so...

    Lost in my thoughts, my gaze still fixed on the ceiling, I hear two faint knocks on my door before someone enters in my bedroom, closing the door behind them.

"Het Kory." It's Cordelia. I hear her put something on my desk before she sits next to me, gently rubbing my arm. "How are you feeling?"

"Dead." I simply say without averting my gaze from the ceiling.

"Don't say that-"

"You asked." I hear Cordelia take a deep breath, her grip on my arm tightening.

"I made you pizzas on English muffins, I know how much you like that meal!-"

"Not hungry." I let out still not looking at her. From the corner of my eyes, I see Delia looking away, raising a hand to her mouth. She seems hurt or sad, I don't know.

"I'm worried about you, Kory. I didn't see you eat for over two weeks, you never leave your dark bedroom, you pushed... you pushed me away. I want to help you, I really do, but I don't know how..." You can't, I think, nobody can. Closing my eyes, I invite the silence with kindness, just losing myself in my empty mind. "I don't recognize you, sweetheart... You used to be so full of life."

"That's because you met the fake Kory. The one I created to save myself. But I'm too exhausted now to keep fighting..." Sniffing, I wipe the single tear fallen on my cheek with the back of my sleeve, keeping my eyes closed.

"I hate seeing you like this... that's why I took the liberty to book you an appointment with a psychiatrist." As Cordelia says the word 'psychiatrist', my eyes jolt open and I sit up to be at her eye level. I give her my darkest glare, the anger bubbling inside of my body.

"How dared you?! I'm not a child, I'm a fucking adult and I can make whatever fucking decision I want! You had no right!" I yell, tears of anger escaping my eyes freely. My fists clench and my jaw is hurting from how tight it is, but I do not care, Cordelia just really pissed me off!

"Kory, I didn't say you had to go, I just booked an appointment in case you'd feel the need to get professional help." We keep staring at one another in silence for a while, my eyes shooting daggers at Cordelia while her gaze is filled with sadness, worry and regret. "Look sweetheart, maybe I shouldn't have done that, I don't know, but I couldn't bear the thought of watching you sink without doing anything... I'm sorry if it upsets you."

"You're right." I simply let out, giving Cordelia a superior glare. "You shouldn't have booked that appointment. I'm not going."

"Please Kory, I don't wanna lose you... Could you at least try and go to one meeting? That's all I'm asking, please..." Seeing Cordelia so desperate to help me, it makes my heart ache. She's literally begging me to go there, hoping that me talking about my problems with a professional might help my case... I'm not so sure about that to be honest, but I feel bad to put her through that. So I nod.