When Grey Met Colors - Cordelia Goode

☆ Part 17 〜 The mistake ☆

TW: Self-harm, depressive thoughts

    These last few days, I've isolated myself from everyone. I don't eat with the girls anymore — actually, I don't eat at all as I'm always locked inside my bedroom — I don't go to classes either and I haven't really talked to Delia since... I don't really know why, but I've just felt really sad for no reason. But I shouldn't, I have a good life!

    Now that I cut Leann from my life, I can fully focus on Esther, my real mom, and I also found my soulmate, the only woman I see myself spending the rest of my life with. I've got a great home and I have friends who understand me... So why can't I appreciate life and be happy? Now that all the obstacles are out of my way, why can't I enjoy what I've always wanted? I really had to feel that sad right now.. Great...

    When I wake up, it takes me everything to get out of bed and when I do, I immediately want to crawl back inside it. I don't care what I wear anymore, I've spent the last three days in the same sweatpants and hoodie, I didn't even wash them...

    I also tried to convince myself to draw instead of doing nothing of my days, thinking that it might help me regain happiness again, but no. I haven't been able to bring myself to do the thing I like the most when I have nothing to do. I just feel empty. I don't wanna run anymore either. So I just stay in my bedroom with the doors locked and I often stare at my ceiling, lost in all me darkest thoughts.

    One of them is actually starting to scare me... I often think that I won't be here in a year, that I'll vanish into dust soon. It's an intrusive thought that I can't control and thinking about me dying scares the shit out of me. But it also feels- I don't know, comforting? Like that's the answer I've been waiting for to put an end to my misery...

    Cordelia tries and tries to break my carapace and to get me to open up to her, but I just can't. I don't want her to know how bad I got. I hate myself so much. I don't want her to think that it's her fault, I'm just not there anymore. I don't want her to stop loving me if I tell her that I've been thinking about dying...

    I simply don't know what I am doing on this planet anymore! It's not that I wanna die, it's just that... I don't wanna live. It just feels like it would be easier to just be gone. I can't picture myself in five years, I don't know what to do...

    Thinking about all that reminded me of the written production I wrote for an exam for school, but that I didn't give. The one I found in my old sketchbook... Well that old, familiar feeling I was constantly dealing with at fifteen years old is back and it's gotten worse... And one of the main reasons why I keep the doors locked is because I don't want for Cordelia to enter in my room and hear my thoughts. It would destroy her to know how I feel...

     So I just deal with all of this by myself, in my bedroom at doing nothing. I don't know what I could do to help my situation and even if there was a way for me to feel better, I don't think I would be able to do anything about it. I just don't feel like I wanna get helped.

    It tortures me so much to know that other people would kill to have my life and that I'm ready to throw it all out just because I'm feeling a little bit sad. But it's the way it is and even that thought doesn't help me... I feel like it would be no use to try and find a way out.

    Imagine I finally am happy again. What would it be for? I'd simply continue to live my life at the Academy, but what for? What's my life's purpose? I know I won't achieve great things, so why stay here?

    Cordelia knew she wanted to help others and that's what she is doing right now. Maddison could easily become a great movie star if she really put her mind to it. See, everyone can achieve their goals, so why can't I even find myself one?