I've been staring at my phone for ten minutes. I'm not kidding: ten fucking minutes. Why? Because I'm trying to decide whether I should text Esther or not. I really want to, but at the same time, I don't know... And the more I think of it, the more I stress and the harder it becomes to actually compose a message.
My hands are shaking, I'm not kidding, all that because I'm stressed to send a text message to my sister- I mean mom. If only there were a spell to relieve stress... Oh wait, maybe there is! There are so many spell's books in this house, there must be one with the spell I am looking for.
With my divination ability, I try to find this book, the one I need. After a few seconds of concentrating myself, my eyes closed and my ears blocking every sound, I finally feel an energy guiding me downstairs to the bookshelf and as my hand travels in front of the books, I feel an electric shot jolt through my fingers, signifying me that I have found the book.
Putting it on the table, I flip through the pages shakily, my heart compressing inside my rib cage. Like magic, the pages end up being flipped by themselves to the right page, showing the Stress Relief spell. I read it a couple of times in my head to familiar myself with it before I recite it out loud:
"Ego omnem accentus ac tensio quae ambiente me. Agnosco pacem et tranquillitatem quae intra me est. Ego sum plenus vita, industria et vitale. Hoc carmine fit, sic erit."
As soon as I finish my sentence, I feel all of my stress slip out of my body like water, vanishing into the air. Ahhh, that feels better. Maybe now I'll be able to send the message to Esther without overthinking for another ten minutes. After I put the book back where it belongs, I extirpate my phone out of my jean's pocket and I send that message to my mom:
Me: Hey Esther! How u doin?
It only takes her a few seconds to send me her response.
Esther: Hi Kory! It's good to hear about you! I'm not so bad, you?
Me: I'm not so bad either. I had something to ask you
Esther: Go ahead
Me: Do you think I could see you soon?
Esther: You must be reading my mind Kory cause I'm gonna be in New Orleans in like five minutes! Mom wanted to talk to me so
Me: You're really gonna see that woman? After everything she did to us? To u?
Esther: Kory, I told you that she did what she thought was best... even though she was wrong
I wonder if Leann ever slapped Esther. She slapped me twice and I'm her granddaughter, imagine what she could have done to her daughter... Or maybe she never did because Esther is her daughter... I don't know if I should ask... Normally, I would think of all the possibilities before sending that text, but now, I just do it without thinking about it more than I should.
Me: Did Leann ever hit you?
Esther: Why are you asking me that Kory? Has she done something to you?
Me: No, of course not... I was just wondering if she could be a violent woman, that's all
Esther: Kory, promise me she never touched you
Me: She never laid a hand on me, I promise. Anyway, after you visit Leann, maybe I could show u where I live, properly this time
Esther: Yea, we can do that. I should be there in thirty minutes, an hour at worst. I love you!
Me: Love u too, see ya!
And with that, I close my phone. I can't believe Esther can still like Leann, after everything she did! If only she would have told the truth, maybe my father would still be alive... well, grandfather. Anyway, the point is that if Leann wouldn't have tried to take Esther's place in my life, maybe we wouldn't be there. I'd still have my happy family.
Maybe I could make it right; by going back in time. I'm sure I can develop this power if I really put myself into it. I've done some research too after Maddison brought that subject up after class and I know I can do it on my own. I simply need to be in the water and to have an object of that time to create a bigger connection. I'll be fine, I know it.
Using my divination ability again, I find the book containing informations about Tempus Infinituum and I bring it to my room, opening the bath's tap to fill it with tepid water. While the water runs, I dig through the stuff I brought with me and I find a small stuffed wolf that I used to carry everywhere with me when I was younger. I bring it to my face and snuggle my nose on its false fur, and mmmh... it still smells like old time. That will do.
Returning inside the bathroom, I lock Maddison's door before I read the steps to perform Tempus Infinituum. It shouldn't be too hard. I go back in time, before Arthur, my grandfather, killed himself and I change his mind. I know I'm capable of doing so.
After I play my plan over and over again in my head, I get into the bathtub and I close my eyes, bringing the wolf to my chest and holding it tight. I can do this. I know I can... To help my transition, I recite this spell: Balneum infinitum. Dona salui conductus. And then, I finish with: Tempus Infinituum.
With my eyes still closed, I hear the muffled cries of an adult, a man more precisely. He's repeating himself, his words so familiar and hunting for me.
"I can't fucking do this anymore... It's all my fault, I'm a total failure... It's too much..." Is what he kept saying over and over again, like a broken record.
I finally dare to open my eyes, realizing that I'm hidden in a corner of my grandfather's apartment. It's late and really dark, there are no open lights in the apartment and it's just as dark outside. A few meters away, I see my twelve year old self getting out of my grandfather's bedroom — where I slept when I visited him — and walking to the bathroom, rubbing my eyes as it was eleven PM.
I remember this moment like if it were yesterday. Me being woken up by my "dad's" cries and seconds later, watching him take his own life. He didn't see me arrive as his back was facing me, but I could see everything. Him on his knees, the bottles of vodka laying around on the floor and his hand holding something to his head. A gun... with a finger on the trigger, ready to put an end to his misery.
Even nine years later, I'm still as paralyzed as I was at twelve years old. I can only look at my old self watching my "dad", not entirely understanding what he was doing. And then I realize. I realize what it's gonna change in my present life if I try and make things right for my old self. One little decision could turn around everything that I've lived so far.
If I do find a way to bring the truth to the light, who knows if my life will really get better? I'll still know what Leann did, no matter what. And I'll still know the pain you feel when you watch your dad kill himself. It won't change anything for me, I'll still know. And I probably won't be where I am right now.
Think about it: my younger self lives a happy life, she doesn't get into a fight with her mom because her sister is still in her life, she doesn't burn the cushions, she isn't thrown out of her house, she doesn't meet Cordelia...
If I do change my past, it'll not only change what I've already lived, but it will also change my future. And I'm not ready to give up my future with Delia for potentially making it easier for my younger self. I don't want to take that chance.
As I finish my reflections, I hear a gunshot followed by a loud thud, witnessing my "father's" death a second time. And I open my eyes, now seeing my bathroom at the Academy... Knowing deep down that I made the perfect decision.
YOU ARE READING
When Grey Met Colors - Cordelia Goode
FanfictionA Cordelia X Reader book As far back as you can remember, you have never felt like you belonged anywhere. You always felt so different from everybody else and you thought that you had to adapt yourself to "fit in". But what if you could continue...
