"Zoe?" I whisper, not believing what I'm seeing. My heart doing a flip in my rib cage, I get up on my feet, steadying myself on my bed because of the dizziness I feel.
"Hey Kory!" Zoe keeps smiling at me and there's not an ounce of sadness nor fear nor worry on her face, just pure happiness. It destabilizes me for a moment, not used to that. "Can I come in?"
"Of course you can." I say, finding myself smiling a little at her. Wow, I don't know what's happening, but Zoe's mere presence helps me a little... My friend enters in my bedroom and she closes the door behind her, approaching me carefully, still with her smile on.
"Can I hug you? You just look like you could use a hug right now." At her words, I close myself back again, worried that... I don't know actually, I'm just worried that something bad might happen. But it's just a hug, right?
"I'd rather not..." I start, wrapping my arms around my stomach, looking down. But then I realize that maybe that's what I need: a hug from a friend. Letting my arms fall on my sides and looking back at Zoe, I allow myself to feel things, to be vulnerable in front of someone. "Actually no, I could use a hug... Would you...?"
"Yes, of course, Kory!"
As Zoe opens her arms widely, I walk closer to her before I wrap my arms around her body, resting my head on her shoulder. At first, the feeling of her arms around me just feels weird, but after a few seconds, I get used to it and Zoe's strokes on my back help me breath normally.
Feeling all my emotions rise inside of me, I snuggle my nose against my friend's shoulder, my grip tightening around her body. It actually feels good to let go... I feel relieved, after so long at keeping my emotions to myself and pushing them deep inside of me, it's good to let them out. Zoe continues to stroke my back and she doesn't say anything, she just lets me be in her arms and relax.
Having to face all my darkest emotions right now, it makes me tear up a little before the tears freely cascade down my cheeks, my body uncontrollably shaken by sobs. Even though I'm crying, I feel better, lighter. Crying only helps me evacuate my excess of emotion.
One hug. It took one hug to make the world around me disappear. It took one hug to make me realize that it's okay to let people care about you. And it took one hug to make me realize that I'm lucky to have a friend like Zoe in my life...
"I-I don't know w-what's wrong with me Zoe..." I say in between sobs making my friend tighten her grip. "I-I've got all t-these bad feelings and a-all these bad t-thoughts... I-I don't know w-why I get t-them. And i-it's too much, I-I don't know w-what to do Zoe..."
"I'm glad you told me, Kory." My friend whispers with a hint of sadness in her voice. "I have to admit that everyone is a bit concerned about you... and it's also really affecting Cordelia."
"Yeah, I get why..." I let go of Zoe before I wipe my eyes, this feeling of culpability settling in my chest. Why am I so horrible to everyone who wants my well-being? They care for me, that's all they are doing, and I make them worry, I destroy their happiness by being the only thing they can think of...
"Hey, get out of that dark place. Tell me what's bugging you right now." Zoe gently puts her hand on my arm, squeezing it lightly to make me leave my thoughts to be mentally present with her. I look down at her and shake my head, not knowing how to say what's on my mind.
"I don't really know how to say it... I guess I just feel like a burden to everyone that cares for me. Like, I feel really bad that you all know me, especially Delia because now, you all have to see me like that, it affects your moods and I know that it is torturing Cordelia not to know how to deal with me... I just think that it would have been easier for everyone if I hadn't met you guys..."
The whole time I talked, I don't remember looking at Zoe in the eyes, I was just so focused on finding the right words that I can't remember anything except what I said.
"You know that's not true, right?" Starts Zoe, her eyes looking at me seriously. "We all love you so much Kory, and it shouldn't matter how we feel: we only want you to be happy. That's what friends are for, through the good days as well as the bad ones."
I wince, looking away: I feel like deep down, I know that. I just can't help but feel bad for them because I know that they'd be better off without me...
"Yeah, I guess.." I lie, not wanting my friend to continue to tell me things that I'll never believe. "I should maybe go talk to Delia, right?"
"I think she'd really appreciate that." Zoe smiles softly before she gently kisses me on the cheek, her hand lightly touching my arm at the same time. Together, my friend and I leave my bedroom only to go in two different directions.
I'm on my way to Cordelia's bedroom when I hear a faint cry. The closer I get from the room, the more I hear it and my heart sinks inside my chest. I feel it tightening, the guilt of being responsible eating me up from the inside. I feel so bad for causing so much pain in Delia's life, and the girls'...
Still thinking that everyone would have been better off without me, I'm about to turn around and go back inside my dark cave, but I stop at the last moment. No, you can't continue to hide. You're not gonna get any better by doing so...
Feeling a pinch of energy travelling my entire body, I walk up to Delia's bedroom door before I knock three times. The cries immediately stops and I hear a faint "I'm coming" from my girlfriend before I hear her walk to the door.
After she opens it and notices that I'm the one who knocked, her red, glassy eyes widen and then soften a few seconds later. Not comfortable in this awkward silence, I take a deep breath trying to find the right thing to say. But nothing comes to mind, so I simply let out:
"Hey Delia." I can hear the sadness in my barely audible voice and it breaks my heart even more. I should have stayed in my bedroom... What was I thinking...?
"Hello Kory..." Says Cordelia, her voice a quiet whisper. She tries to smile at me, but the bags under her eyes and the lines on her face just proves me that the last few days haven't been great for her either. It's my fault that she's like that, I know it... As soon as I think that, Cordelia frowns and lies a hand on my shoulder. "Kory, stop thinking that, please..."
"You seem so tired... I'm sorry, it's probably my fault..."
I look down for a couple of seconds and when I lift up my eyes, I see Cordelia's face all contorted as if she was trying to force herself not to cry. But she eventually breaks and the tears she's been keeping inside all flow down her cheeks freely. Cordelia brings her hands to her face to cover it and she cries silently.
At this instant, I don't know what to do. I should hug her, try to comfort her... but it feels impossible to even lift my arms up. I'm so exhausted, but I can't leave her like that. So, I collect all the energy I have and I take Delia's hands off her face before I wrap my arms around her shoulders, stroking her flat, blonde hair as she cries inside my embrace.
We stay in this position for I don't know how long and after a while, I feel my eyelids getting heavier and closing by themselves and my legs start to tremble as I struggle to stay standing up for so long. I take Cordelia's face with both of my hands and I make her look at me. Before I speak, I inspect her face for any trace of pain, but all I can see is exhaustion and sadness.
"Why don't we go lie down?" I propose and I get a nod for answer.
I take Cordelia's hand in mine before I guide her to her bed and we both get under the covers before we cuddle up together, my head resting on Delia's chest. Her arms are tightly wrapped around my body and her head is resting on mine, and we both stay like that, enjoying what we once had. It's just that now, it's a little different. I couldn't say how nor why, but it just is. Nevertheless, some things never change, like the love we have for each other.
We eventually both fall asleep, my slumber tormented by nightmares and flashes of my worst moments from the last weeks...
__
Damn, I haven't updated this book in ages... I actually don't write that much because of college now, but I miss it and I miss you guys! This story is taking a more positive turn as I'm getting better, oups :')
M <3
YOU ARE READING
When Grey Met Colors - Cordelia Goode
FanfictionA Cordelia X Reader book As far back as you can remember, you have never felt like you belonged anywhere. You always felt so different from everybody else and you thought that you had to adapt yourself to "fit in". But what if you could continue...
