Candlelit midnights

I can't find the words

A vent chapter.
TW: CSA

Unsure
I can't seem to find the words.
I can't find the words for how much this aches and how I spend most days wondering if this ever gets better,
I move about my life hoping things will change, yet unsure they ever will.
I can't find the words to express how much I hate what he did to me and how his hands linger far after they are gone,
The confusion and fear that exists within me is immeasurable.
I can't find the words for the grief of it all, for the forever changed family and the shame of shattering the family photos,
Why am I the one feeling guilty?
I can't find the words for how badly I want to put something up my nose to keep all this quiet,
Even if I know it wouldn't be worth it.
I am unsure where to put this, and unsure of how to write it out loud.

Brothers
Won't it always haunt me?
I can't move past it, it's sucking dry what I have until there's nothing left.
I am a shell of a person, I'm nothing more than a collection of memories I'd rather lose.
I will always have to live with this, he will always be the haunting of my childhood and teen years.
The faces people wear when they realize the details of what happened will always linger in the worst ways.
It was all unforgivable, he did what no brother should have done, yet I find myself feeling guilty when he can't come to family dinners.
Will this always be at the forefront of my life? Will I be writing about this? Is this who I am?
I relive it day in and day out, the worst moments of my life on front display in my mind.

Looking the other way
I learned to take it.
Maybe I still am turning my head the other way and walking away from my body as it happens.
I don't understand.
I'd rather it be me than anyone else, the thought of it happening to her breaks me into bits, but I don't understand why.
Why do that to someone so small?
I was disposable, I loved him, I cared for him deeply, and to him I was a toy to play with and leave in the back of your closet.