Candlelit midnights

Sunrise

A chapter about hope and healing.

Sunlight through the trees
I have spent many months in the darkness of the night.
It was foggy, cold, and often rainy in a way that ached.
Finally the sun has come, the morning has begun.
I can see the sunlight just hovering above the surface and peaking through the trees.

Pockets of love
I've come to see that in life oftentimes it's the little pockets of love that make things worth sticking around for.
It's in the morning messages from him and falling asleep on a late night call.
It's in the sketch book page that I am proud to have drawn.
It's in the stuffed toys next to where I rest my head.
It's in the poetry written in the moments in between.
I am surrounded by it, and that I will find.

For him
I spent much of sixteen alone, I kept myself tucked away in my pocket as I played a part.
That sense of burning fire was often present but never shared.
I liked to think that I wanted to be separate, but it ached, and now I don't have to be.
During these times I didn't have regard for myself, I was almost always drunk and I didn't think to do differently.
Something about him showed me that there is another path to take.
Maybe it was when I let him in and saw how my addiction worried him, Maybe it was all the times he showed me I was loved.
He helped me see that I deserve better, not just for him, but for myself.

Never look back
To one of my dearest friends.
I remember being in awe at his eloquent use of words.
He asked me to be a part of his poetry study and I was deeply elated.
We talked about why I write and what it means to me, but soon the conversation branches grew closer to the sun.
I was able to share things I never thought I would, I told him everything, there was not a single secret worth keeping.
He is understanding in a very special way, he always knows what words you need to hear and when.
Nobody understands addiction like the addict, and that we both were.
He had made it through his little dark age and walked with me through mind.
The conversation shared such intimacy it felt as if we'd always known each other.
He had survived what he thought he wouldn't, and graciously helped me do the same.

Tomorrow
Despite the darkness of sixteen I have immeasurable hope for seventeen.
I was lost in a dark, what felt like endless night, but I am seeing as the sun is dripping through the trees.
While the path ahead is one full of aching, it's one full of growth.
I may hurt because I am sober and have damaged my mind, but I am recreating and mending what I have lost to my addiction.
The better days ahead are closer than they've ever been.

The moments in between
When you flood your mind with what makes the world more colorful endlessly and mercilessly the world becomes black and white when the drugs wear off.
I spent most of the last three months heavily intoxicated, and much of the time predating that.
I ached and that is what I turned to in my times of darkness.
My existence was painful, I needed something to take me away from it, but I don't need to run from my life anymore.
So while yes the world is black and white, that doesn't mean it's not beautiful, and moments of color aren't out of reach.

Seventeen
All addicts who have stopped will deeply resonate with the two thousand yard stare.
I have taken away my main source of comfort, so without I am hollow.
I've spent many hours on my bedroom floor staring at the ceiling, sometimes it seems there is nothing else to do.
It aches seeing yourself be a shell of what you once were, but it's the only way to become whole again.
So as bitter as it may be to be crushed by the weight of emptiness, I am ready to spend seventeen away from the warm feeling.

We are as sick as our secrets
My addiction was one of solitude and secrecy.
I found sharing a high far too intimate and the thought of people knowing immensely terrifying.
Getting sober, I must do things another way.
Few people knew of my habits, but I began with telling them I was ready to change.
Soon I told my friends that I had relapsed and was trying to do differently.
I am entirely fearful of what happens when I tell the truth, but it is time to stop hiding.