I'll find what I'm looking for
In my little dark age I'd discover somethings of which nothing else would compare.
The elation the drugs gave me was simply incomparable to life without them.
The gold didn't stay, it never does.
The high was otherworldly, but it got lower everytime.
Soon I'd find myself looking for what I would never find, it was never enough, nothing I could take was ever enough.
It was exhausting, I was endlessly searching for gold in the dirt, I was looking for my happiness in the same place that I had lost it.
And now that the drugs are gone and with good reason, I am still looking for what will fill me.
I am still looking for the answers I lost, I'm still looking for what will not leave me empty.
I have thrown my mind far off the path it should be on, and it will take some time for me to stand steady on the path I was meant to stand in, but I will find what I'm looking for, and this time it won't suck me dry.
I'll find what I'm looking for.
Waiting
I'm so tired of wanting.
I look for what will make me feel whole and I am still looking.
Addiction is such a suck-you-dry life to live because so much of me doesn't want to stop.
I still want to feel that elation and that peace, more than I should want it, far more than I should want it.
It's always lingering, I feel like I'm waiting to be back where I was, waiting until I decide to do it again.
What happens after
You will relive constantly.
People say it gets better and you wonder if they really mean what they say.
You will shake when you remember it.
You will spend your life in terror.
You will fear more than anything that it will happen again, Because if it does you know you won't be able to take it.
You will remember it when you go to bed and when you wake up.
You will feel just as confused and scared as you did when it happened.
You will wonder why it happened and what you did wrong in every passing moment.
You will pick yourself apart for not doing things differently.
You will grow more angry at yourself for struggling.
Everything will remind you of it.
You will wonder why God created people like that.
You will wish it would have killed you.
But someday it will be nothing but a memory.
YOU ARE READING
Candlelit midnights
PoetryA poetry book written during a darker time in my life, covering topics like addiction and relapse along with happy and romantic moments. Although the original title was different I choose this title to represent how writing was a light in the dark...
