MWriting this chapter about getting sober from my addictions. I see this title as a metaphor of replanting myself in different soil, or changing the way I do things. I will have to ready just my roots to this new way of life, but it is forever better than being planted in a graveyard.
Closer to the sun
In moments like this I find myself wishing I could do it just one more time.
I look in the mirror and say "this will be the last day that leaves me with a warm feeling down my throat or a runny nose."
But I know that once I start there's no telling when I'll stop, and if I am being honest with my reflection, I may find myself sitting under a headstone if I do venture out again.
I am seeing more every day the list of reasons for why I stopped growing longer and longer, and for once I am reading what's behind the dashes rather than trying to throw away the page.
Past a certain point, there is no such thing as enough, I will find myself beneath the dirt before I feel like my intoxication is where it should be.
The aching of never being there, of always looking for what you will never find, I will not miss it.
In my life I have experienced a great sense of disconnect from most everyone.
I do not feel bound to people, I am more so bound to things, I suspect it may always be this way, but the drugs did not help.
When you are choosing which story to tell and struggling to keep up with the facade you will never feel close to another.
If all you are is an actor, why would you?
When I was in the vast depths of my addiction I was not the person I wanted to be.
I did awful things, now at this point I am almost unable to be trusted in a room alone with a medicine cabinet nor with the words I speak.
This is who I am, but not who I must be.
In the end I will either die a miserable addict or grow into someone different, and at this point there is so much to be.
I have every reason to get sober.
My life is something I want to be here for, my life is something I want to remember.
So each day I step further away from what I once was is a day closer to the sun.
YOU ARE READING
Candlelit midnights
PoesíaA poetry book written during a darker time in my life, covering topics like addiction and relapse along with happy and romantic moments. Although the original title was different I choose this title to represent how writing was a light in the dark...
