Candlelit midnights

Untitled rambles

Rambles
I don't quite understand why it happened like it did.
I don't understand where the lines got blurred and why he didn't love me enough not to hurt me.
I don't understand why it took so long for me to speak up and why I let myself spend Christmas after Christmas with him when I know what he did.
I don't know why he did it.
I don't know why he didn't love me enough not to.
But I'm not like him so I never will.
It's confusing, sitting at the edge of your bed watching yourself wonder if tonight it would happen again.
Why did he do it?
I don't really know and I don't want to.
Nobody deserves that.
Not even him.
I don't want to think about it but I do.
I don't want to feel scared anymore but I do.
I didn't want him to but he did.
But it hurts less then it used to so maybe next year it will hurt less then it does right now.
I still feel small.
Why didn't you love me?
Why did you hurt me?
I don't understand you.
He said you feel guilty and that you are doing poorly.
I never want to see you again.
I wish you were never there.
I wish that you never walked into my bedroom because now I am small and scared.
I wish you never did what you did because now I am in pieces and I will never be what I could have been.
You took away my innocence.
I loved you so much but why didn't you love me?
You didn't love me like you should have.
Did you think it was okay?
How did you think it was okay?
How did you rationalize it?
Why did I feel like I ruined everything when you were the one that tore me apart?
I don't understand.
I still don't know what to make of it.

Thats life
You'll spend your whole life trying to know where to go and you'll rarely go there.
You'll love it, you will enjoy every moment and feel the sun on your skin.
You will hate it, you'll write about a life that aches every night and hope the ache will stop but it won't.
It will all make sense to you, you will feel grateful to be alive and feel so lucky to be you.
You will fall into one hundred pieces when you hear your name because why did you have to end up here and why did it have to be now.
You will spend hours upon hours wondering if this is really how you should be living and if you should be spending this much time wondering.
You will write about writing and will make sense of the senseless.
You will run yourself into the ground trying to figure it out but you never will.
You will wonder how all this could coexist in one person in one house in one life and it will all be so contradictory and you will stop trying to make sense of it because you realized you'd rather not a long time ago.
You will feel yourself be broken into pieces and be put back together again and you will do this more times than you can count.
That's just the way it is.
You will fabricate yourself and wonder if anyone would ever know you and if they knew you would they love you, and I mean really love you, and you'll find plenty of people who do love you.
You will get so lost that you can never be found and then you will be found and then you will get lost again.
But this time you're sure you will stay lost, you are very sure you will never be found, but you will, and maybe one day you'll know the woods enough to understand that lost doesn't mean gone.

Last night
You're not sure why you felt the way you did and you're not sure what that way even was but you know you enjoyed it and you know that for sure.
You laid on your back and felt yourself fall and fly in the ground beneath you was breathing but you weren't sure why because you weren't high although you sure felt like it.
You still feel the floor breathing you're sitting on his rib cage as it goes up and down and up and down.
It's beautiful you almost don't want to write about it you want to lay in it you want to lean to it even if you don't know what you're leaning into but you're sure it's divine.
You still don't know why you even though you've been trying to figure it out since last night and now it's past noon.
You're sitting on a Lillypad floating down the stream of life and you're still confused but you don't care why or how it isn't because it is.
You're still sitting on the leaf but now it's not on a lily pad it's now a branch blowing in the wind you can almost feel how the leaves are wrestling together.
You wonder what your family would think if you laid on the carpet in your living room maybe they would think you're getting high again but you weren't high you know that and you love it because it means it's natural that means you're supposed to feel this way and you never feel how you're supposed to feel because you littered your mind that was already littered but lately things don't feel like that and maybe you don't have to know and maybe that's okay.
You stand up for a minute and you're still on the leaf trying to describe it you stood for a while but you know you should sit because if you're small enough to sit on the leaf then you're not big enough to safely fall off of it.
You still aren't sure why it is the way it is but you care little less right now everything is okay and you know it will be okay for at least a little while and you hope you can learn something from this something that will stick but it may not but you still know but you still hope it will.
You still want to lay on the living room carpet but you really can't do that without explaining yourself and how could you do that if you don't really know why.
What you do know is that now you are a little water droplet a drop of rain on a tiny leaf sitting at sea flowing on the waves up and down and up and down slowly and methodically you still don't know why you feel like a drop of water on a leaf when you are really just a boy in your mothers living room sitting on the floor writing on a brown sheet of paper.
But now that's not where you are because right now you are a leaf during the autumn and you're dancing in the wind and you're spinning in all different directions and you're slowly coming closer to the ground but now you're on the grass with it the other leaves and you're facing up towards the sun and you're still trying to explain it but clearly it's changed again and you still don't know why maybe you're lost your mind a tiny bit but that may be okay you think this is a spiritual experience and you don't know why you're having a spiritual experience in your mothers living room but you know you are a little less worried about why and that's better than before which is better than before and you could go on but you won't And you wonder if this is why people think poet in poetry is strange because you are in your mothers living room without leaving you've traveled quite a lot and you don't know that because you don't make sense but you care little less than you did before and you're not sure where this is poem is going and you're not sure where you're going but you like this a little bit more than writing the poems used to write because you used to ache so that's
All you wrote about and even when you didn't ache you didn't write quite like this

And you're not sure why
You don't know why it doesn't hurt like it used to but you know it doesn't ache like it used to because no matter how hard you tried and you wanted to be different you wanted to feel different but no matter what you did at least not you never did at least not in the right way it's been so long trying to put the words to it and you did but the words described the fire not put it out you're relieved and happy because it doesn't sting anymore you're scarred over although they may be raised in red you don't mind because right now it doesn't hurt you thought you would always hurt and now it doesn't
Your poems are long enough your life is good enough your relationships are close enough your mind is happy enough finally things are enough finally you are satisfied are used to never being that you were a pit that could not be filled and now you aren't under ground you feel full and happy because life is good enough for you nothing ever was good enough for you you were happy with your little life
You are happy with yourself it's how you should be and you don't need anything more