A vent chapter inspired by the elliott smith song "fond farewell."
TW: depression, addiction, trauma
Black and white
The hues that used to color my life have been gone for some time now.
I believed they would come back any day now, but I am still waiting.
Maybe I'll see the rays of the sunrise tomorrow morning, maybe it's just down the block.
Maybe if I keep trudging this path I will see what I have grown not to.
But how long can I walk uphill? Am I swimming upstream hard enough?
I have been told that it gets easier, that it begins to ache less, and I believe that may be true, but part of me is all too used to seeing in black and white.
You took apart a picture that wasn't right
When I spoke up about what he did to me I took the slightly tainted family photo and ripped it into bits.
Family Christmas won't be as it once was, the family won't be what it once was.
I feel guilty for shifting the dynamics so drastically, but I must remind myself that frames were paintings of how things should have been, not how they were.
Whose shadow paces on the floor
As much as I want to spend days at the lake and feel the sun on my skin, the hole in my chest will always linger.
The belief that I am not the one who gets better will possibly always be with me.
Part of me hopes that I stay in the aching, there will always be a voice in my mind that wants to stay in the hole I have dug for myself.
Out in the open door
The stash in my backpack and warmth down my throat have been left behind.
Fifty seven days without.
I watched them as they helped me rip myself into pieces, and left me empty.
I saw it all begin to muddle and rot, and one day I decided to leave it behind.
Addiction was a constant ache and I decided it was time to get better.
I am now wondering if I really meant what I said when I spoke of getting clean.
I want it more than anything, I miss the burning of my nose in a way I can't express.
I know it will be worth it and I am still unsure if I really have it in me.
I left it behind me, but the door has not yet closed.
YOU ARE READING
Candlelit midnights
PoetryA poetry book written during a darker time in my life, covering topics like addiction and relapse along with happy and romantic moments. Although the original title was different I choose this title to represent how writing was a light in the dark...
