Candlelit midnights

The district sleeps alone tonight

Again
For a while you did it because your life was one that ached, it really did.
You couldn't stop remembering what you didn't want to remember, you couldn't seem to feel happy no matter how hard you tried, you were alone in crowded rooms so of course you became a hole with no bottom.
That made sense.
Life today doesn't hurt, life today feels good and you want to be here for it. You feel close to these people and you love it, and you love it all.
You knew you were this way you know this is in your foundation but right now things make sense and you still can't stop doing it.
Maybe you could stop but you don't want to and you really don't know why because it doesn't feel good anymore.
It doesn't feel good to shake and pulse or disconnect.
You don't like being away, you like it here now, but you still do it.
You still chase it and really you don't know why.
You don't understand why you do it anymore because you know you have more fun when you're here but you keep doing it and doing it and doing it and when you don't want to you do it again.
You are running but you don't have anything to be running from but you keep running.
You are ashamed to even be writing this because you have to admit that on every level you don't want to stop even when things don't hurt even when things are good you do it.
You know what that means and what that looks like you know you'll run yourself into the ground with this, maybe you won't, you think you won't but you will.
You do it again.
You feel so happy you're so lucky to be you. These people are great and you love them so much and they see you and they love you.
You realize you remember times with her better when you don't and you adore her. You want to keep every memory.
You do it again.
This time your body isn't happy with you. You feel awful, you shake and hurt and you know you wouldn't if you hadn't.
You love this song. You've listened to it so many times but right now you don't Recognize it. You've heard it so many times but it's not familiar.
You do it again.
You hate it, you really do, you don't enjoy what you're doing anymore because things are good and this makes them sting and you don't want to hurt anymore.
You see that this makes things bad. Your father said those words directly and he knows them to be true because you proved them to be true.
You do it again.
My god this time you are so tired of yourself because you will fuck it up and ruin the good and you still don't know why but you won't say it's the last time becuase it won't be and you know that.
You know really truly and sincerely that this moment would be better if you hadn't and you are so crushed by your own will because you know that doesn't change anything.
You do it again.
You've tried to stop before and life made more sense then and you were happier but you didn't stay stopped and you have accepted that you never will stay stopped.
You know that this will kill you and really at this point you don't want to die because you have a lot to live for and you really don't understand why you'd throw away this beautiful painting for a shade of green that is just so ugly but you'll keep painting it green.
The canvas was beautiful but you painted it such an awful shade of green and you didn't really know why you did and you wish you didn't care why you did but you do.
It stopped making sense a long time ago.
You do it again.
This will kill you one day maybe one day soon but you won't think about that because the thought is uncomfortable.
You can't do the things you love because of it. Your poems don't make sense. You spent an hour and a half trying to do something that used to take fifteen minutes and you still didn't finish it.
You love her so much and you want to feel close to her and you know you are safe and you know when you're like this you go into your own little world and you hope she won't stop loving you because of it but it's hard to love you because of it.
You do it again.
It's not just your life that it ruins it's not a unique story this is one that has been repeated and likely will never stop being repeated it's not just that either because this bleeds it bleeds heavily and the blood gets everywhere you aren't bleeding out on the bathroom floor you're walking around your house maybe around town even spilling it everywhere.
You do it again.

The blue mug
You want to feel good, you want to feel really good.
You miss the first time, all of them.
They were all so different and in those moments you felt you had found the answers to every question you asked yourself and all the ones you ever come up with.
You see yourself in a room with a white board trying to find a question that isn't answered by this, but you can't and in your mind you never will.
Time has passed since you came to that conclusion and you tried to prove it wrong so many times but you never did, at least not for long.
You don't care about how it burns and aches and steps on you and your life and your little world and the people in it.
You don't care if your little world caves in like a mug made of clay that never stood a chance and hadn't even been put in the oven you so right now you are not solid in any of it because you aren't a mug quite yet you are a piece of clay, nothing more, it makes sense to you finally something makes sense to you.
You want to feel good but you don't and right now you should and you thought you would at this point but you don't yet but maybe you will soon.
Your throat burns and you feel that the ground beneath you is moving but it's not enough but you try not to think about that because why would you want to stay in the deep end of the pond.
Right now you should feel good, not just good but you should feel so amazing that you can't put it into words because the words don't express how good it feels but you don't feel that way not yet and maybe you or will soon but you aren't sure it will be like that.
You wish you felt like you were elated and euphoric but you don't and you're not sure why.
You feel awful, you can't breathe right and you can't think of the words to describe how it feels strange and bad but it does.
This was supposed to be the best and it was supposed to be perfect but it's not and you're not sure why but it really feels awful and you're a little scared but you hope it's all in your head.
It's not perfect like it should have been and how you thought it would be.
It's confusing how all of this is happening in your bedroom, the same room almost everything happens in.
You are remembering the time when things were bad and they fell apart for a little while and wonder if they will fall apart again but they won't you hope things won't fall apart but they might but you don't think they will.
You remind yourself that this moment will pass because they always do.

The woods
You don't know why you do it because it doesn't feel good and it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
You keep writing about it because it's all you think about.
You really don't understand why you keep putting yourself in these situations but you do and people see that and you hate that.
You are running into the woods but you aren't sure why because there is nothing chasing after you but you keep running.
You used to run into the woods to hide but now you're just in the woods because that's what you do.
It's dark and cold and you watch yourself from above as you find yourself deeper in the woods.
You aren't sure why you are even doing this because you know how ugly it gets and how much you hate the forest but you keep walking further in.
You have been out of the woods before and that was a good time but you still find yourself in the same woods without explanation.
There's so much happiness outside of the woods. The sun is brighter when not hindered by the trees and you can sit by a lake and cross your legs and think for a little while.
You go to the woods again even when you know how much you hate it and how much life is better without it reallt you don't know why anymore.