I am 19, I turn 20 next year.
From my Freshman year until even now I have been depressed.
Due to the impact of Covid, I became severely depressed over the past three years.
I only got diagnosed in 2021.
While at the time my boyfriend told me that if I was to be medicated, to let him know.
Seemingly that he would break up with me because of it.
He did eventually months later.
I went spiraling down.
During those years, I was prone to crying until it turned into a panic attack.
I would sit on the bathroom floor and sob until I couldn't breathe and would start hyperventilating.
One day I stopped doing that.
I stopped crying as much and would just sit on the floor and stare at the tile.
I also decided to stop taking care of myself.
"Why should I, when I don't want to?"
That was my thought.
As I was only doing it for my mom.
I grew tired.
I stopped eating, only once a day, and sleeping 12 hours.
Never left the house nor did I do anything with friends as I did not have any.
Even after having a doctor's appointment, nothing changed.
It's not considered bad enough to be medicated.
I'm not entirely thrilled with the thought of medication.
During high school, I was the friend who always helped people who were severely depressed.
Those who went to the mental hospital and had to be medicated.
Sometimes medication works and sometimes it can make it worse.
It was interesting, sitting in the cold white room and having the nurse across from me, look me in the eyes.
She then asked me if I had ever been suicidal or if I was.
I told her no.
To be honest, it was shocking, I never thought I'd be in this position.
To this day, in December.
I have been attending a community college online since August.
I failed all 5 classes.
The weight of failure and disappointment eats at me every day.
I am so tired.
I think it's funny when they talk about depression.
"Well, if you'd eat three times a day, drink water, and exercise you would feel so much better."
"If you did the things you enjoy in moderation it would be much better."
"If you were to get off your ass and do something instead of making excuses maybe you would get somewhere."
My dad and the family on his side were not made aware of the extent due to their previous views on it.
My mom tries her best to understand.
Some days are harder than others.
Every day is hard.
For a girl whose best friend is her cousin, who hasn't left the house in months, who doesn't eat or take care of herself.
It's been a journey.
I wish I had hope for the future but I never thought I would be here.
Not that I would die but that I would cease to exist.
What's the point of existence if the person involved has no will?
The things I used to enjoy I don't anymore.
Too many bites of food make me nauseous.
My head was foggy until now.
I don't look forward to anything.
What kind of life is that to live?
I hope in the future it gets better, even just a bit.
By the time the fog cleared, it's always too late.
I'm disappointing someone.
Then myself.
The way I never open up to people about how I feel will always be my downfall.
The urge to cry until I can't anymore but I don't have time for that.
It's a waiting game.
Will things get better?
When will things get better?
I always hear stories of how something or someone saves someone.
Religion, a significant other, a pet, or a music artist.
When will it be my turn?
Will I get a turn?
(A/N I am safe, I would never do anything to endanger my life this is just a little rant from me about my life)
