Haven't had a panic attack in three years.
A lack of sleep and hormones and one conversation on a bad day.
Now I'm still recovering.
I feel bad.
But it took such an emotional toll that I had to shut down just to stop it from consuming me.
And my mom says she's worried about me.
Then my parents remind me that I have done nothing in a year.
And soon I'll be more unhappy when I won't even be on the sidewalk.
Unless I do something.
But I don't know if I have enough courage.
I think I do, now.
I just hope it's not too late.
And I hope the gods forgive me.
I probably never will.
I fixed my sleep schedule a bit.
Watching my best friend and her partner hug in the morning, before he's off to work.
I smile, it's bittersweet.
And he's a good guy.
He treats her well.
I couldn't be more happier for her.
It seems like it's really helping her to have someone to rely on, like that.
Then I'm glad he's here.
For her, if I could give her anything to help I would.
I didn't wake her up during my panic attack.
And it's not because she wouldn't care.
But because I'm used to handling it myself.
I did call a few people, who didn't answer.
One person did and we talked until I calmed down a bit.
It's 6:40 am.
I've gotten 5 hours of sleep the past two days (Besides my naps).
I'm crying again.
And my heartrate sits above 90.
I'll lay on the floor.
Or go for a walk if it gets unbearable.
I think my problem, when I get attached to people.
Is I think they have no flaws, and they would never do anything to hurt me.
But it doesn't quite work that way.
People will hurt you.
And that's okay.
I haven't done a lot.
But I think I'm ready to try again.
I won't think for people.
Or be anxious about it anymore.
It's out of my control.
And unless they speak up, I'll never know.
The same doesn't quite go for me.
I still haven't accepted opening up.
Anytime I have, it hasn't gone well.
I'd like to trust people again and open up.
But my sensitivity consumes me.
I cry and cry until I throw up and then I shut down.
I thought I'd gotten better about that kind of stuff, but I guess not.
Which is a shame, because I felt like I was getting better.
I'm not even sure, if that's just what healing is.
Will it ever truly go away or will I simply learn how to process it better?
I turn to tarot sometimes for clarity.
And I read people like a book.
A few times I also get read like a book, which I am an open book.
I think a lot of people in my life want better for me.
Sometimes they just might not show it in the best way.
Or maybe in the only way they know how.
I think I'm going to get on the bus.
488 words
(A/N this is from a few weeks back, I just forgot to post it)
