At some point in your life, you have to get on the bus.
Whether the bus looks comfy or whether it's clean doesn't matter.
The bus being life.
You have to go.
I finally did some more job applications, after crying to my mom about my thoughts.
I told her what I think and everything about it, job wise and life wise.
"It's just one small step."
Is what I tell myself.
Depression itself is hard.
It's hard to fight and it's hard to let loose.
It leads to undesirable habits and problems.
Like not eating.
Or personal hygiene.
And being in your head all the time, it's almost like you live in it.
It's not comfortable.
Jes helped me set up my resume and I'm thrilled.
It took me 8 months.
Come June it'll be a year in Washington.
The time always passes.
I turned 21.
I never thought I'd see the day.
So it kind of feels bittersweet.
I was just 15.
And I was just 10.
And 8.
19.
Now I'm 21.
I don't know what to feel.
Jes and I went to a bar for the first time.
It was a surreal experience.
Cute little bar downtown with colors and a center bar.
The bartender was kind.
We got two different drinks and two crunchwraps.
And some water.
(I'm new to alcohol and need a chaser (water))
She sees right through me for sure.
Your friends love you, remember that.
We went and had such a blast.
Walking down the street towards the car a little wobbly.
Drinking also makes you warm so be prepared.
(If you're not 21 don't pay attention to this).
We got in the car and blasted music, I then saw the chinese dumpling truck we went to early last summer.
We stopped by and got beef dumplings and their donuts.
Which I've been thinking about for months on end.
It was divine.
It was a great time.
Being an adult is feeling free enough to be comfortable, and try new things.
To 15 year old me, new things aren't bad.
Just unfamiliar.
That's okay!
Just adjust yourself so it works.
One small step.
So hopefully I'll have a job then I have big plans.
Getting a bus pass.
(I'm terrified of public transport).
Just because it's new.
That's okay!
I can't believe it's been nine years since Jes and I met.
It would've been longer for my childhood friend and I, but they had to go.
At this point I think it was just meant to happen.
I remember during last summer I was taking walks (a full mile) and listening to music at my dads.
My best friend called me one night and said she caught her man cheating.
I told her to come see me.
That night changed our immediate future for sure.
Now here we are.
Little apartment.
I want so much for her, but I need to remember me as well.
New pots and pans, baking supplies.
Room and apartment decorating.
I want to end up so comfortable, I can't remember I was ever uncomfortable.
I'd like to think I'm ready for adult responsibilities.
But who knows.
Is anyone ever ready?
Like doctors appointments.
Last year me truly didn't know what was in store for her.
Next year me will be so proud.
Nothing is out of reach.
And If it is, then it's just another step towards it.
Don't be afraid.
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