At this point who knows.
I feel like it's healing and unhealing.
I spent 24 hours in bed, without getting up.
Just rolling over and closing my eyes.
Being sick and being on my period really took a toll.
I'm tired.
I am also tired of thinking.
The constant anxiety I have gnawing at me like a dog on a bone.
When I go to close my eyes, it feels like the dark is out to get me.
I have seriously been considering getting a therapist and some medication.
There's no way I'll make it to 25 in this state of mind.
"You already made it to 21"
I have nothing to show for it.
Nothing to be proud of.
Is there any reason to not be proud.
It's like living is an accomplishment in itself.
Sometimes I feel like I'm too aware.
I probably just need a shower.
Maybe a little edible (I'm 21).
Who knows.
It's so frustrating.
Letting go of the past and to not catastrophize everything.
Everything is a big deal and in reality it's not.
Probably because of my deep rooted fear of being left behind.
"I'll do anything."
I do nothing.
I want nothing.
I get so tired sometimes.
I stare out the window.
The trees are orange again and I think to myself "it's getting bad again".
And why are you fucking letting it?
Makes me want to smack my head into a wall.
I've been reading Atomic Habits by James Clear.
I wonder if the contents in the book can relate to people with mental illness.
Or maybe I just have a victim complex.
Because god forbid things get better after 6 years.
What hope do I have.
When I had my whole life planned out.
And I failed.
And failed.
And failed again.
It'll be a year soon, that I have been up in this state.
I talked to someone from Highschool.
I can't believe it's already been 3 years.
And I've done absolutely nothing.
Jolly good show.
I obviously have so much more to heal from.
I even met someone, which I am now not going to allow that to control me.
I have no time for men.
I think I'm too hard on myself but personally.
Until I'm happy with the way I look and am mentally better, I shouldn't be in a relationship.
