I'm standing on the sidewalk.
And I honestly can't tell if I'll ever get the courage to be better.
To feel better, at least.
Is saving myself my only salvation?
Not that I expected some hero to do it for me.
I'm just worried.
Well sometimes.
But when me and my best friend laugh in the car.
Everything seems alright for a moment.
I wish I could freeze it and stay in that feeling forever.
I could never tire of that feeling.
And if I had to give my life for hers, I would.
If there was anything I could do for her, I would.
But somewhere deep inside I feel like I'm failing myself.
Sometimes I find myself envious of her, but never in a negative way.
I guess bittersweet would be a better fit.
I would never want to put any ill will or ill intent on her.
I'd repent to any god to take it away if I ever did.
I'm envious of her drive, even when she gets burnt out or frustrated, she continues.
I gave up a long time ago.
Which isn't the best.
And I get so tired all the time.
I'm afraid of change I know.
And I feel like I'll never amount to anything important.
What's important?
I'm not sure.
I miss having friends.
I've isolated myself again and put up all my walls.
Told myself it's better this way.
It is, in some way.
With anything, when you make a decision, there will be side effects.
I look out my window at the streetlight.
It's not so bad in this city.
But when I lay down at night to sleep, I feel like crying.
Months ago I used to cry myself to sleep.
I cried practically every day.
I'm not sure why.
And I'm grateful, always.
For everything I have.
It's more than enough for me.
I don't need anything else.
The things I want seem so far out of reach.
They seem outer dimensional.
And my bad dreams, where I don't even want to sleep anymore.
In truth I am a coward.
Whose afraid of change.
When I'm faced with challenges, I run.
I know my family and friends see differently.
My mom thinks I'm capable of anything.
I wish I thought I was.
