(song's I've been listening to for the past few days)
Orange Juice - Noah Kahan.
Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons.
Which kind of tells how my days have been.
There's always this feeling like I'm never doing enough.
I get so frustrated these days.
I get so frustrated I cry for hours.
I've come to find that most of it has triggers but even identifying it never gets far.
I cried on the phone to my mom the other night, again.
She just told me, "You know baby, you're the only one that can do this. You have to do it"
While I was crying about how alone I feel and how I feel like I have no support.
And my friends don't talk to me.
My dad can't offer me any emotional support.
It's like sitting in a fucking pit and clawing at the walls and all you get is dirt underneath your nails.
Some days are somewhat decenter than others.
I've been hard on myself to move forward.
It's so frustrating, and I know healing isn't linear but these lines aren't going anywhere.
"I know at home you were just miserable, I want you to be happy."
But I have to get a job and leave the house.
Eight year old me is bawling and hugging a stuffed animal.
"Where's mom".
Mom's at home.
She's safe.
I'd tell her, we get our own room.
She would look at me and ask why we left.
For that I have no answer.
Honestly, I woke up one day after I promised my friend I'd move and I did it.
Then I woke up again in a panic.
Not knowing how I really got here.
It's been seven months.
I'm home alone again.
Hugging my bear.
And crying.
"Just get a job"
I'm trying to get out of bed.
It's not about me.
People can't do it for me.
It's nothing personal.
When is it about me?
I feel like my whole life I've prioritized other people.
And when I prioritize myself, it's like a downfall.
No matter how far I climb I fall back down.
I'm not sure if this is what it will be for the rest of my life.
I know nothing.
I wish I had the confidence to do things.
I wish small inconveniences weren't doomsday.
I've tried to make it a reality.
And have confidence.
Do the things I need to.
