Listen to Homesick by Noah Kahan. (A/N you don't have to but I am)
My lord it's like a fucking circle.
I still don't have a job but I am working towards it.
I have insurance.
I am getting a therapist tomorrow.
My mom offered to pay the leftover of the rent.
So Jes can take a breather.
Kyden (her brother) was taken to the ICU this morning (by Jes).
I was fast asleep and barely heard anything, every part of me wishes she would've woken me up.
But I'd probably just be in the way.
I've been doing better than I have in the past 10 months.
Since last Sunday, I've been keeping with a routine.
(Still struggling to shower).
I'm grateful.
So beyond grateful.
But I still feel guilty.
And get overwhelmed thinking about my future.
When my parents pass and I'm left alone.
I was crying to my mom on the phone again.
"You're not alone".
I wish I could tape that sentence to the inside of my brain.
I know I'm not, but man do I feel alone.
All the time.
Jes is out fishing, she had physical therapy today.
I'm so proud of her.
And I'm proud of me, for keeping to my routine.
I had another manic cleaning episode and cleaned the entire apartment last Thursday.
I just fed the cats and thought up a plan to help Jes and myself.
I want to be better.
Truly.
I will be better even if it's just baby steps.
Small steps are still steps and that shouldn't be seen in a negative light.
I've been reading Atomic Habits by James Clear.
At least 20 pages per day.
I've learned a lot.
Apparently humans haven't changed much.
(To nobody's surprise).
"This place is such good motivation for anyone trying to move the fuck away from hibernation".
I feel like I was suffocating in that town, in that house.
In my head.
It obviously doesn't just get better.
The house isn't sick, I am.
The trees are green.
I've been walking everyday, not so sure I'll get to today but I'll try.
I send my mom a "walk picture" every day.
It's accountability honestly.
So she knows I've taken my walk.
Walking is really good.
Especially when you listen to good music.
I need to drink some water.
There's cotton floating in the air.
There's a lot to accomplish.
Mom will be here in June.
I couldn't be more excited.
Change is scary but it's needed.
Anything I don't know, I can learn.
I have my whole life.
(I've been trying my best to ground myself when I find that I am anxiety spiraling.)
I'm out of edibles and I'm out of coffee.
It's time to go.
There's so much to do.
I'm so excited.
Jes is out fishing.
I hope she has the best time ever.
And when she's feeling like she's in a good place to talk, we'll have a conversation.
Everything is fine and will be fine.
Nothing is wrong.
I don't have to feel guilty being alive.
Even if it's ingrained into me, like a dog tag.
Sitting in my chair, typing away under my window.
My May calendar set up against the glass.
But for now.
There's blood stains on the carpet.
The sun is setting.
But for now.
The cats are fed.
I'm nice and warm.
It's safe.
Now.
I feel like one of those dogs on the little manual treadmill.
Not in the repetitive way but more in a, "finally I can run as long and as hard as I want" way.
If anybody has to be with me until the end of my life, it's me.
I have to show up for me.
And I will.
I deserve to be happy and stress free.
Jes is going to pick up a carpet cleaner tomorrow.
I hope her brother makes it out of the ICU soon.
I hope her parents take him home.
I hope he gets help.
I'm here to help Jes.
I've got her back.
She's got mine.
(I've also got mine).
Maybe I'll get back into writing.
Laughing at the comment my mom made.
"Well thank god you're aware because otherwise you'd be a piece of shit."
Referring to me feeling guilty not having a job and not being able to contribute more to rent.
Other than the money my dad gives.
(I am beyond grateful and I know it could be worse.)
Thank you.
It's like a fucking circle.
660 words.
