Sometimes I wonder if being alive is just problems and solutions.
Good decision or bad decision.
I wish things turned out differently a bit.
I'm not sure how different.
I was thinking about what my parents life could've been like.
I know their whole situation isn't normal.
I get it.
At least I think I do.
It's sad for sure.
If there is multiple universes of ourselves, I hope that the lives there go well.
Not to be too pessimistic.
It's not that bad.
I'm afraid.
Of literally anything.
Action mainly.
Actions have consequences.
So I think, in my little head, I thought that meant any action is bad.
So I took no action.
Despite being younger when I would throw tantrums, truly for reasons unbeknownst to me.
That didn't work.
For being so small (I was probably 8-13).
For being so small and trying to communicate, and getting shut down surely affected me.
I wish I knew why.
If anything.
I get it.
I get that people aren't trained to be parents.
They might have never learned you don't have to repeat bad behavior.
Almost like it's an ingrained behavior (which it is lol).
I think I'm done being mad and I'm just tired.
Thinking about when I was young.
After everything that's happened.
I wish (for myself) that things went differently.
At least I think I do.
I'm afraid, to be alone.
I think.
Talked to my mom about it earlier, she wasn't sure how to reply.
I worry and I stress and I cry.
I just hope future me figures it out.
Past me would be thrilled.
And current me?
I'm afraid.
I'm tired.
I don't want my life to have to be so safeguarded that I take no action.
People who have kids should be required to take lessons.
Never being ushered into anything leaves you uninterested.
When the few things you have interest in, won't be allowed to stay.
You lose more interest.
I'm sure younger me didn't know what to do with all this, I imagine she was frustrated.
Teenager me, was a mix of everything but she sure was hopeful.
She always got back up.
I hope I do too.
I preach about trying things and it not being bad but for myself it's a nightmare.
Taking any action that will put me in a place or situation I don't know.
I immediately shut down.
Which you can't just do that.
You can't just say perchance.
It's a defense mechanism.
I get it.
But we've been defending too long.
The castle walls are almost rubbly.
The guards left long ago.
I really want things to happen.
Good things of course.
I'm afraid, but I'll try.
Maybe.
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