The past week has been rough to say the least.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Christmas just didn't feel right this year.
I'm grateful to have a Christmas with my family.
I know some people don't get that.
I'm still lonely.
It was just dad and my two cousins, we had Indian food for dinner.
It was really good.
On the car ride over to the restaurant, my cousin tried to dissuade me from my negativity.
"It's just generational and it's messed up and we're the ones who have to break it"
Referring to our families and childhoods.
I feel bad for them.
I feel bad for all of them.
It seems in none of my family things ever worked out.
Accidently got pregnant, had to get married, had more kids, shouldn't have had any.
It just keeps happening.
It won't happen to me.
I won't let it.
I will never repeat that cycle.
I'm already tired.
None of the men were ever reliable.
None of the women were ever stable.
My mom likes to say that I was a gift and not an accident.
Sometimes I don't know if I believe her or not.
Thinking some religion would save me.
It won't.
Not me.
Nothing to believe in.
Nothing to place trust in.
It's just me.
I miss my mom.
(A/N she's not dead I'm just being dramatic lol she's alive and healthy in my home state).
Sometimes I wish I didn't move.
I'd rather stay in that house with her, then ever be without her.
I hope when I die, I'll wake up in our old place and she's making me breakfast.
And she'd ask me if I slept well.
"How'd you sleep baby."
And I'd break down crying and tell her how much I missed her.
She'd pull me to her side and give me a hug.
"I didn't go anywhere, I'm right here."
And I'd nod and laugh.
Wiping my tears.
I've been crying off and on for two hours.
I hate being alone.
I'm so afraid everyone will leave me.
I don't like the dark.
It's scary.
And I'd miss my dad who would ask me if I want an omelet.
I'd smile and say yes please.
Looking out the window at the front yard, where all the trees are still there.
