I'm 20 now.
I failed all my college classes.
I couldn't even keep a job.
My depression got worse to the point where it felt like it consumed me.
After months of no change, my mom asked if I would like to visit my dad.
I said yes.
So many things happened in that time frame.
Now I have my own room after all these years.
My own space.
I'm living with my best friend.
I'm grateful, don't misunderstand.
I'm tired.
Back to eating once a day
and sleeping only 4-6 hours.
It's such a big struggle
I cry myself to sleep.
I cry during the day.
I'm so tired.
My mom finally brought all my stuff up.
I bawled when she drove home back to my hometown in another state, 900 miles away.
I didn't want my stuff.
I want the familiarity that I was raised with.
All the comfort.
Here I'm on my own.
I thought I was on my own back then and that I was drowning.
That is nothing compared to what I go through now.
The purpose?
You have to go through rough things to get what you want.
You shouldn't have to.
As I sit in my room with all my stuff piled around me, crying.
I ask myself.
Will it get better?
The same thing I asked myself in 6th grade.
I can't tell if it did.
Before I moved and made the big decision.
I had a call with my mom that ended with me outside crying to the sky.
Hoping for any solutions, any answers to my problems.
I got nothing.
Which is expected.
I'm hungry.
I'm tired.
I've never felt so alone.
You know, people tell you that they are there for you and they know what you're going through.
"But you just have to push through one day at a time, eventually it will get better."
Eventually?
I didn't think I would make it to 20 and I'll be 21 in 8 months.
21.
6 years.
Probably more than that.
I stopped opening up to people.
I stopped caving in and carving out my heart just for them to pat the pieces back into my hand.
And to smile at me sadly as if I'd never understand.
I'm afraid of change.
I hate change.
I hope it's not too late for me and my future.
There's so many things I want to do and experience.
But if it eventually is, that's fine.
The world is beautiful.
The sun will rise and the moon will set again.
(A/N just a little reflection and venting at 3:32am)
