I got a bus pass.
I got on the bus.
Four times now actually.
Which is really surprising.
I even took myself out for the day and got breakfast, bought a manga, a ring and an amethyst rock.
I then proceeded to shut down for 12 days.
Almost like I was unconscious.
But I wasn't.
Then I wake up and it's suddenly a week and a half later.
My mom asks how jobs are going.
My dad reminds me it's her birthday soon.
I look out the window.
It's raining.
The power has gone out a bit the past few days.
I know when you care about people, they hurt you the most.
Which sucks.
It seems all I do is take words to heart.
Like it's a tsunami and I am drowning.
It was the very start of August and now it's the end.
And my laptop broke again.
I had to get it fixed.
Again.
My best friend's boyfriend is gone on a trip.
While on the phone with her, he mentioned jobs.
How I have to put more effort in.
I proceeded to cry for an hour.
My nose so raw it burns.
And it's not his opinion that I care for.
But her's.
It would set me on fire to know that I was getting in her way.
I was hoping that by taking small steps and being patient with myself after a 8 month depressive episode.
I would be granted leeway.
It seems not.
I'm not sure what I'm doing.
Not sure if I'll ever know.
But tonight I'm making us garlic butter chicken and rice for dinner.
Something I've never tried.
I'll do my best.
It might just be my past savior complex.
It might be that I have a victim complex.
It's complex.
(A/N I'm funny, this is such a bar)
Anyways.
I've never made chicken by myself.
The last time I did, my mom made me make chicken for thanksgiving.
And I cried while doing it.
(If you've ever made a full chicken you'd understand.)
Having to wash the body out, then butter then season.
I feel so icky doing it.
It was not my best moment.
My mom and my aunt laughed at me.
But I've come far from a sleeping bag on the ground and being in love with a man for no good reason.
I've grown since last year.
I just always hope I'm not too late.
I hope and pray (who knows to who, because I am not religious).
That my friends and family stay patient with me.
I'm trying.
I need to give myself credit.
For everything I've been through.
I can handle it.
I will handle it.
I'm getting hungry.
I hope the chicken is thawed.
I hope they always know I love and appreciate them.
I'm on the bus.
Now I just need to figure out where I am headed.
The chicken took a while to thaw.
It turned out better than I expected.
My rice was the same as last time.
(Not the best).
But that's ok.
I've been practicing patience and forgiveness for myself.
Which is really hard.
I'd like to make the chicken again.
I made myself some lemon tea.
I look out the window.
"I will always be patient with you. I love you more and I'll talk to you when I get back."
My mom sends me a text before she goes for her birthday trip.
It's bittersweet that I'm not there.
I miss her a lot.
But I would've died in that house.
I needed out.
This apartment, this room is my out.
I'm out of that house.
And I'm on the bus.
Let's see where it takes me.
554 words
