Life

Stray From Grey

I realized something today

That I am haunted by my memories

If I mildly stray away from my lens of grey

Then everything begins crumbling 

How I have managed to stay alive

May be considered frightening

As I like to imagine insane things

To keep my thoughts restrained

My thoughts include a gun

And maybe some pills

A knife for sure

For the thoughts of stabbing

But not others

Only myself

Aimed at my heart

So that I can finish my life by at least doing something right

They are only thoughts

Though they really mean alot 

I'm lucky no one really knows

How insane and sick I am in the head 

When I ask to be left alone

To let me think

It would honestly be more wise

To accompany me

I realized something today

That I am haunted by my memories

If I mildly stray away from my lens of grey

Then everything begins crumbling 

Rant Time

The poem discusses how my emotions can be extremely overpowering to the point that it consumes my mind. When I feel emotions, feel it strongly. For the longest time, I felt so uncomfortable and overwhelemed by my emotions. When they take over, they bring me down so low that I just don't want to live anymore. I have learned to stay in that grey area, but others find me boring, not expressive, and tiring. I have a sister who has so many people around her, who are happy, who like her, and blablabla, all that good stuff. I know I can't be like her, and if a dude tells me he likes me, I literally don't find that possible. Like there is no way, this has to be joke. 

Literally no one knows how I feel. I find it funny. I really am insignificant, so I really think it won't make a difference....If you know what I mean. I am religious, but I wish God wouldn't exist as committing suicide is a sin....so I refrain. Honestly, only God will every understand how I feel and I think thats ok. Maybe he believes in me more than I do in myself. 

Sometimes I wish someone could tell me everything I need to hear to feel ok...

I don't do enough

I am can be stupid but I really hope I'm not

I don't think Im adequate enough to even judge myself

I should start a journal and write about positive things to boost my self-esteem. That would work honestly. Words of affirmation. Literally so cringe and weird, but it sounds legit based on research.