𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER : 1

billie

it's day four hundred sixty one of watching her. she's everywhere i go, i find her without looking. maybe our souls find it comforting to be near one another and we aren't aware of it. but when i do look for her it's because i haven't seen her all day, except in my daydreams. she's always present there.

my heart aches, i go into these spirals of why she wasn't present for school today. i worry for her health, her friends, her family. i realize this may sound unhealthy for me or just straight up creepy. but that's just how it is having a crush on a straight girl you've never said a word to. at least for me.

and i'm aware that about two years is about two too many years to let her have this effect on me, but i can't control it. her simply just existing sends me into a trans where no one is breathing except for the both of us, when in reality it's me who's holding their breath when in the presence of her.

she's a shy being where you'd have to keep being there in order for her to trust you enough to form any kind of relationship with her. people don't realize that and think she doesn't like them, which is why she doesn't have many friends. her circle is small, but all of them are close friends.

i never really succeeded in being her friend or even an acquaintance for that matter. i can't even say a word to her, her walls are cement. i've always wondered what made them like that. is it because someone is pushing her to do that or she's just naturally shy and introverted?

i've asked myself, what's so special about her? why does it have to be her? and the real answer is, i don't know. it's not even about how she looks, it's about who she is, what she does, her vibe, her aura. she's just so unforgettable, she like a religious icon that i could see myself sacrificing myself for her.

at the end of the day it's a crush. it's a crush i can't get over, can't tell anyone about, i can't peruse and i can't not let it effect me. i sometimes cry myself to sleep, not because i'm so in love with her, but because i hate myself for not even trying hard enough to get to know her personally. she takes up so much of time and space in my life and i'd be lucky if she thought of me once in the course of a week.

i try to keep this a secret between me, myself, and i. people have noticed me suddenly going silent, but they never connected the dots. i only once asked one of my best friends about her, when i first noticed her. i acted like i wasn't interested anymore once i learned she didn't like girls, when i truly actually spent the next year wishing she's going to realize she adored women more than she thought she did.

she's never been in a relationship so how could she possibly know for sure what she likes if she hasn't had a taste of anything. i'm not losing hope, if i keep thinking the same way i do i'm never going to loose hope.

she's approaching me. we're in biology class and she's approaching me. we are in AP biology class and she's approaching me. she is approaching me. what could she possibly want? i don't think there is anything i've done. i'm too coward to say a word to her, she sat down next to me and i gave her a smile to conceal my panic. i can't let her know i'm panicking right now, what will she think of me?

"now the person sitting next to you is going to be your partner for the rest of the semester. if you don't like your partner, come to me and there is a zero point one chance i'll switch you guys." mr. john said. "come on hands up." he stairs at the class waiting for hands to be in the air, and almost half the class raised their hands. we were both raising our hands, i know why i'm raising my hand, but why is she raising her hand.

"billie your reason." mr john said after rejecting all the other people's orders. "why can't we just choose who we work with? we already know which partners work well with us."