𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER : 34

billie

the screaming still haunts me. i still try to peice together the ununderstandable cries she let out. how could they? how could they leave her when all she ever wanted was them. their approval, their love, their support. they didn't deserve her but she still wanted them. how could they?

i wanted to find them, to tell them everything that she was too scared to tell them. to save zaid from them, i don't care i'll raise him as my own, as teenage mom if that'll mean he won't have a miserable childhood.
i don't know how i'm supposed to comfort her. i don't know what to tell her. she's not talking to me, she won't even let me hold her.

i think she's mad at me. i called mom for help, i was so lost. i hate that i didn't know what to do. i was supposed to figure it out, i knew her the best, she called me back for a reason. what did i do? i called mommy for help.

i don't blame her for being mad at me. i hate that i'm not able to support her and hold her when she crying under the covers of my bed. i hate that she won't let me be there. i don't know what to do. i really don't.

"mama." i looked up at the front door when it opened. "i don't know what to do." i hugged her without a warning and started crying.

"she just needs space now baby." mama rubbed my back as i sobbed in her hold.

"i hate seeing her cry." i cried.

"i know." she responded.

"i can't just wait till she talks to me mama, it hurts to see her hurt and i can't do anything about it. i love her mama, i want to be there for her." i sighed and wiped the tears off my cheeks.

"you are going to be there for her, she needs space now but not forever. when she wants you there, she will tell you. or you'll just know it." mama told me.

"i know." i sniffled. "but still... i don't know." i sighed.

♦︎♢♦︎♢♦︎♢♦︎

i knocked on my own door, i was just trying to make her feel comfortable, and give her the space she needs. "em don't you want to eat something?" i asked softly.

she didn't move one bit. i sighed and started doing my nightly routine, ten to fifteen minutes later i was done. this was the hardest part of every night. having to get under the covers with her right next to me, seeing a glimpse of her weak body sprawled out, usually sends me to tears while she's usually crying next to me.

she was asleep. and like every night she's asleep before me, i take the covers off her face and kiss her forehead and then i close my eyes and fall asleep.

i woke up with my chest feeling heavy, along with half of my body. my eyes fluttered open to find emery, tangled up on top of me. and then i smiled, because this was the first time i actually saw and touched her in a week.

i had no idea if she was awake or asleep, i didn't want to move one bit. i didn't want to loose this moment if she didn't mean for it to happen.

i couldn't help it, i leaned my head forward a little bit to smell her scent. it was always here with me but i missed it being this pronounced. i miss her so much and i feel so frustrated that she's blocking me out.