𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER : 51

billie

"you know what i always think of?" i said on the car ride to some interview, with mom in the car.

"here we go again."

"i want to die before all the people i truly love." i said.

"what? why would you even think of that?" she frowned.

"cause i don't want to know what the pain is like to lose someone forever like that, i don't want to know what it's like to fall asleep knowing they're gone. i want to be selfish like that, i'll die if that means not grieving." i explained.

"i grieved lots of people." mom said. "you learn how to live and love life despite being aware that it all has an end."

"i don't know how you do it."

"you'll know when you're older." she said.

"like i said, i hope i don't."

"well i hope you do." she blinked.

"mom!"

"i want you to live your life to its fullest, i want you to outlive most of the people you love." mom said. "i want you find your person."

"if you want to die before the people you now love it might not be possible for you." she commented.

"shut up mom."

"i didn't say anything wrong."

"you know how i feel about this."

"dad told me what happened the other day." she mentioned.

"mom."

"i get that you might not want to talk about it but i was immediately taken back to the day you told me you broke up with that one girl." she sighed.

"she has a life now, one that doesn't need me to be in it. i don't want to fuck up yet another time when it comes to her." i shook my head, hitting the breaks at the stoplight.

"be friends again then."

"we can't be friends!" i held my head. "mom i can't be her friend. i miss her, yeah, but i know myself. i won't be able to not tell her that i still— i feel so stupid saying it! i love her!"

"well what does drew think you should do?" mom sighed as i hit the gas.

"she thinks i should disappear off the face of the earth and die." i lied.

"don't put words like that in her mouth." she rolled her eyes.

"she doesn't know what i should do, she said to let whatever happens happen." i actually answered this time.

"then just try not to think about it until something or nothing happens."

"that's equivalent to you tell me not to buy taco bell when i'm craving it."

♦︎♢♦︎♢♦︎♢♦︎

"hey get up and get ready, we're going out." drew said as soon as i answered the phone.

"i was just about to call you and ask what you were doing." i chuckled. "where are we going exactly?"

"it's a surprise."

"i hate surprises."

and i should have known, she told me the date of the reunion but i'm so fucking stupid and got in the car and i was driven to our old high school. "eyyyy billie! when they said you were coming i didn't believe it!" jacob had his arms up for me to welcome, he was the first to see us arrive.