𝐻𝐸𝑅 // 𝐵𝐼𝐿𝐿𝐼𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐿𝐼𝑆𝐻 𝐹𝐴𝑁𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

HER : 53

emery

"emy? how much do you exactly love me again?"

"emery, once you're actually qualified to do botox and fillers and what ever the fuck, will you do me a favor and stick brandon with one of those needles."

"emery, i don't want to leave for tour."

"emy, do you really want forever with me?"

"emery, will you marry me?"

"emery, do you think it's time for.."

"congratulations it's a girl!" the nurse said.

"it's a girl!" billie looked up at me, teary eyed. i squeezed her hand, at a loss of words. she wanted a boy, said she wanted to her children to have the same bond as her and fin. i wanted a girl, i've always wanted to be a girl mom. i always swore to myself that i'd raise her the way i wanted to be raised and loved. although at the end of the day i only wished for a happy and healthy baby.

"it's a girl." i echoed a tear falling straight onto her arm.

when i find moments like these i can't help but wish my mother was around. i want to be like everyone else and tell her the news so excitedly, maybe shed a tear or two together cause i'm gonna be a mom.

but i'm aware we're well past that point of trying to go back. i don't want to go back but after everything i still crave her hold from time to time. it's okay though, at least i know what not to do.

billie and i immediately drove back home after the appointment. sometimes i get this awful feeling in my stomach when it hits me that things could've gone differently. like we could've had a baby shower with all our loved ones. we could have had a small wedding at least, but we eloped. i could let my friends do something for my birthday, but i can't.

in all of those days i would've cried uncontrollably. i would miss my brother more than ever, i would day dream or pretend that they were actually here. it's so frustrating because billie doesn't have to deal with me when i act up, but she does. she holds me when i'm having my break downs and i can't help but feel so bad about it.

i can't help but feel like she would be happier with someone else that's good, so good and someone that does not hold her back like i do.

and i'm so fucking aware that my family made me miserable. it drives me crazy that i act this way, i don't want to be like this. sometimes when it's late at night and i can't sleep i convince myself that it would've been better if they were just dead.

i don't want them to be dead but, i know even though it's selfish, that i would have coped and healed better than knowing that i was a piece of trash they could just throw away. and to think that all i wanted was mama's approval, i was trying so hard to be her little girl, but she never cared. i was always a burden to her.

who knows maybe if things had went differently and they never left me, maybe i would have left them. i just can't bare the fact that my little brother is so big now, and he doesn't even remember me. i don't even know what he looks like, he probably doesn't know that he has a sister.

"emy, come here." billie opened up her arms for me as we sat on our sofa, i put my head on her chest and she wrapped her arms around me. "you're going to be the best mom."

"i love you." i could feel a lump in my throat.

"it's okay to cry em." she brushed my hair with her fingers.

"i know." i whispered as the water works began.

she always knows when i go into my emy spirals, she knows that her just being there is enough. her holding me as my mind goes through a trillion thoughts is more than enough, she makes me feels safe when i'm so terrified of my own self.

i remember thinking so long ago, when we first reconnected again after the breakup, that if i lost her again i wouldn't make it. i still believe that, except now she is my world, she is my everything. our life morphed as one, intertwining in every aspect. so yes the separation would be the death of me.

"i'm right here and i love you." she kissed my head. those are the type of comments she'd say as i sobbed and somehow she always knew when was the right time to say them.

"i wish they were here to see who i became, a—and for zaid to see his niece, t—to just remember me." i told her. i want her to know something, cause i know how helpless she must feel, she doesn't know the thoughts running in my head and yet she just hopes that what she's doing is working.

"i know my love." she murmured, wiping my tears away and moving my hair out of my face.

i slowly started breathing normally again, i sniffled, tucked my hair behind my ear and sat up, trying to figure out what to tell her.

"do you want me to draw you a bath?" she asked, taking a strand of my hair and curling it with her hand with a soft smile on her face.

i shook my head, i should be taking care of her. not the other way around. "thank you for being the most amazing, loving wife ever." my eyes starting to tear up again.

"em." she pouted.

"no really, you know me better than anyone. you're my whole life and i'm sorry for being hard to around." my voice broke at "hard".

"no, no don't you ever apologize for your feelings, for something you can't control. you are never hard to be around, you are never hard to love, being with you is always so easy, loving you is so easy, it's the easiest thing i've ever done, it's like breathing emy. you don't even have to thank me for something that is a given in this marriage, of course i'm your everything, you are my everything." she said and i slowly started lowering my head and playing with my hands. billie shifted in the sofa a little bit to look at me better and then she cupped my jaw. "look at me my love."

"yes i wish that you wouldn't keep everything in, and i wish that you'd tell me what goes on in that pretty little head of yours, but i know my wife." she admitted. "you don't know how to communicate those feelings when they're being all tornadoy in there. i learned that you'll eventually open up, it's just they way you are, and that's okay. it's okay i can deal with being lost when you're in my hands crying, as long as i am the one holding you. i can always tell when something is wrong, i'd be a bad wife if i didn't know, and often i know what you're thinking even. don't put pressure on yourself because of me, i'm okay, it's okay, everything is okay."

"i just feel like i'm hurting you because i'm not telling you what's wrong, i'm afraid it might come across as me not trusting you." i sniffled.

"sure i hurt when you hurt, how could i not hate it when you cry? although you have to let it out, if anything i'm glad you're crying cause keeping that shit in is not good. and i know that you trust me, i've never doubted your trust emy." she assured me.

"billie." i sighed, she replied with an 'mhm'. "if you ever feel so lost in a situation like this and if you're so worried, don't be scared to ask me what's wrong. i'll never not tell you."

"okay." she nodded.

i need to get my shit together before this baby comes. "i'll start going to therapy twice a week for a little while again, i wanna be better. i want to be the best version of myself for you and for our little girl."

"i'm so proud of you my love."