Love Always, From Mayberry

Chapter thirty five

Time seemed to stop momentarily. The feelings that came over me I hadn't really felt before. I felt physically sick. Callie was instantly angry. Steven looked up to find the source of the cursing and yelling that was coming from Callie. His face looked panicked when his eyes met mine. I quickly broke eye contact, looking at him in the eyes was too much. The other Callie quickly jumped off Steven's lap, her normal giggly smiles faded quickly.

Sometimes I think we fall in love with the idea of what could've been. We fall in love with an almost. Steven would always be my almost.

Steven remained silent as Callie released her verbal anger on him. The other Callie looked at the ground. Forever trying to avoid conflict with Steven, I simply found a seat at the back and pulled out some English homework that I had no intention of doing. My mind was moving too fast. I was definitely in a flight or fight response and trying my best to hide it.

A few silent tears fell down my face but it was unnoticeable as I wiped them away quickly. I'd rather be in this room completely naked than to be there crying. I wasn't sure what I had witnessed even meant but I did go into this knowing Steven's reputation both from everyone else as well as Steven himself. He'd never lied to me about his past or tried to hide it. At least one could say that for him.  If he looked back at me, I wasn't aware. I mostly kept my head down in or looked at Callie, trying to make conversation with her so as to look unbothered as possible. Callie was still angry. Her protective friendship was something I cherished.

When it's finally time to go, I don't waste any time gathering my things. When I turn to leave the classroom Steven's waiting in the hallway, leaned up against the wall. I hate eye contact in general, but today, I really don't want to make eye contact with Steven for fear of crying.

I'm looking at my shoes. I was wearing some white boring plain sneakers but I had to pretend they were interesting to me in that moment. I feel Steven's hand under my chin and I melt. Physical contact with him released happiness inside me no matter the reason for it. It was like he was a magnet I was drawn to.

"I didn't expect to see my good girl princess in detention." I looked up as he smirked. How could he not care what I'd seen? Why couldn't he discuss anything uncomfortable? Better question, why couldn't I?

"Clearly." I tried to put at least some mild irritation in my voice. When would I ever be able to say what I wanted to say?

I watched Steven intently for his reaction, his face softened from his previously held smirk. He knew I was hurt, but I could tell whatever it was I'd seen, he wasn't planning on discussing it.

"Hey, I wanted to talk to you about prom. You know I can't go and even if I could it's just not my thing. I know Dan's been asking you, I'm fine with it if you want to go with him." He smiled softly.

I was more hurt by that than Callie sitting on his lap. He doesn't care if I go to prom with another guy that he knows has a huge crush on me?

"She can't go with Dan now because he's asked me. You really should've told her this before." Callie glared at him. I'm not sure if in my defense or her own to secure her date with Dan. Either way, I appreciated it.

Steven looked from Callie to myself before speaking. "I'm sorry, Whitney." He smiled weakly before turning to walk away. I felt the disconnect. Sure, he hadn't broken up with me but I guess just from intuition I knew it was coming.

"Whitney, I..." Callie trailed off and looked away.

"It's ok, Callie. I don't know what to say either." I loop my arm through hers as we walk to my car. It was just a kind of unspoken rule at this point for Callie to ride home with me.

"So, I'm thrilled Dan got some balls and asked you to prom." I smiled as big of a heartwarming smile as I could muster.

"Thanks but let's be honest, it's just because you said no and he doesn't have anyone else to ask, but, it's just as well. Dan's the only person I'd want to go with male wise. Regardless of his reasons for asking." She was smiling a sincere happy smile. I remembered when Steven put the same smile on my face.

"Well, Callie, you never know. Maybe going to prom with him and him seeing you in a beautiful dress would change his mind. Men unfortunately are very superficial so some makeup and a tight dress will probably be the ticket." I joked with her.

"Yes, that's what Evelyn said but Evelyn's style is more like that of my own. I want Dan to be attracted to me. Do you think you could pick me out a dress that you would pick out for yourself? Maybe if I dress like you would that would do something for him?" Her sweet voice could get you to do anything.

"I don't mind doing that for you Callie, but, keep in mind you are you not me. You shouldn't try to be anyone else to get Dan or anyone for that matter to like you because you can only fake a personality for so long. Eventually parts of the real you will show no matter how good you are at concealing it and I think the real Callie Carson is beautiful. I think if everyone was like you, the world would be a much better place."

I realized I sounded like a self help coach but I knew what I was putting myself through to be what Steven wanted. I was constantly adding more makeup to my routine, slightly more revealing clothes. I was trying anything to keep him from loosing interest in me. I didn't realize at the time I maybe loosing Steven, but I was also loosing me. I didn't want Callie to experience the constant pain that I carried in my heart of never feeling pretty enough. Just never being enough in general.