Love Always, From Mayberry

Chapter fifty five

I watch as Steven stands gracefully and reaches out his hand to me. Confused, I take it. His hand feels surprisingly smooth for a man's hand.

Steven looked down at me with almost sorrow in his eyes that all but sucked the air from my lungs. Looking into his eyes made me realize you never knew what emotions one was feeling.

"Why do you look sad?" I tried to sweetly smile with my question. I didn't want him to think I was prying. Steven took a moment as he looked to be considering how to word his response.

"In my experience happy moments come with harsh endings." His face became unreadable.

This moment would be a good time to tell him we couldn't be more than friends. It would be a good moment to somehow explain to him that I loved him. That I'd always loved him but I couldn't bet my entire future on someone that I had a nagging feeling wouldn't stay. That would leave when things got hard. What happened if we went through times of financial instability or illness or any life hardships? Steven had came in and out of my life so many times. He also had children he seemed to go in and out of their lives. If a man couldn't be stabile for their children it would be foolish to think they could for a woman but like I always did with Steven, I wouldn't bring up anything uncomfortable for fear of ruining a moment. I reach up to touch his face and he cups my hand with his onto his cheek. He looks into my eyes with such affection and tenderness that it makes an abrupt halt to any thoughts of my future without Steven. All that mattered was this night and this moment. For this night and this moment I decided we'd be teenagers again. Steven was back to being the only boy I'd ever kissed. I was back to being the innocent doe eyed teenager I'd once been. Everything was as it was. As it should be.

The night is beautiful, well, as beautiful as it can be in a small, southern town's redneck oasis. Looking up at Steven and around at my surroundings I can't help but laugh. I remember moving to this town and not being able to think of nothing else but getting out and now I can't imagine my life anywhere else.

I was loosing count of how much alcohol I had consumed, especially with never really drinking prior to, it was hitting me hard. I look to my left and see Alex heading to the door with a short statured, tattooed brunette.

"Hey Alex are you headed to Moms or where are you going?" Alex shrugs.

Steven gently walks me toward Alex and his new friend.

"This is Tessa. I'm going to go to her place for the night but I can give you and Whit a ride back to Moms if you want. Just so you don't have to walk back in the dark."

Steven answered for the both of us and agreed. I was definitely feeling the alcohol. Laying my head in Steven's lap and looking up at Alex driving the car gave me a spine-chilling feeling. I know we were going less than a mile to Steven's mom's house but my thoughts immediately went to a dark place. I tried to block out the thoughts by turning over and placing my face to face Steven's torso. Steven lovingly stroked my hair on the short ride back which almost put me to sleep even in that short amount of time. I had longed for Steven's touch for so long.

Steven came around to my side as soon as the car was in park in the driveway to help me out. I had difficulty walking to the house but I made it, laughing most of the way at my drunkenness.

We make our way through the house in the pitch dark, with me stumbling. Steven leads me into his room and immediately starts kissing me. His kisses have always been the most passionate kisses I'd ever had but tonight was something different. Tonight there was a hunger and a need there from us both that I'd never experienced. He was my first love and this was all I'd ever wanted. Throughout my entire sex life I had always wished in the back of my head that the partner was Steven.

I break the kiss and sit on Steven's bed as he stands directly in front of me while I nervously remove his pants. I stick my fingers under the hem of his underwear as he stops me but tilting my chin up to face him.

"Whitney, are you sure? I love you. I've always loved you but you know I work out of town a lot can you handle that?"

My heart breaks at his question. I know we can't ever make a relationship work but I've spent a large part of my teenage and adult life regretting not having this experience with Steven. Maybe we could work it out. Love always finds a way right? True love always finds a way. I repeated this to myself over and over as I continued to pull down his underwear and take him in my mouth. He lets out a moan before pushing me onto the bed and taking my shirt off. He unbuttons my jeans slowly. Too slowly. Finally after him throwing my clothes all over the room he parts my legs using his knee. The alcohol is really hitting by this point and it's like I'm aware of what's happening but it's almost like it's not real at the same time.

"Sometimes I get carried away with sex, I'm kind of a freak but I love you so much. I don't want to hurt you. If anything is too much just tell me to stop ok?"

I nodded my head, not sure how to respond. He plants gentle kisses all over and down my body. He sticks his fingers into me and rubs my clit.

"You're completely soaked so this shouldn't hurt. If it does, I'm not kidding, tell me to stop ok?"

"I'm not made of glass, Steven. I'll be fine."

"I love you so much, Whitney. I'll always love you."

He slowly presses into me, if there was any pain I didn't notice it from the alcohol.

"Fuck, Whitney, you're so wet for me. I'm not going to last long fuck."

I put my focus on how good this feels. I try to touch and kiss every inch of him that's possible. We truly poured our hearts into one another. We made love the way that sex should be. For a while we were one flesh.
For several minutes following we couldn't really talk. I laid my head on his naked chest as I came down from my orgasm.

"You know, I'd have given anything for you to have been my first." I couldn't help but fantasize how it would've been back then.

"Oh, no. Whit, don't say that. I didn't deserve something as precious as your virginity. I wasn't ever a fan of Dan but you two were together a long time. Hell yall were going to get married at one point. That's all understandable." Steven strokes my hair.

"Steven, it wasn't Dan. He wasn't my first. Really? Who was?" Steven looks at me quizzically.

"Nobody that matters. I wouldn't know him if I fell over him and to be honest, that is one of my life's biggest regrets." I can't look Steven in the eye talking about it. He just holds me tighter and continues to stroke my hair. I fall asleep quickly whether it's from the alcohol or post orgasm relaxation, I don't know.

I became really hot, so hot that it woke me up. I look around the room confused. Where was I and how did I get here? I look beside me in shock as what memories I have come flooding back to me when I see a sleeping Steven completely knocked out beside me with his arm around me. I begin to internally panic. This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to keep this at a friendship. I should've known better. You can't be just friends with someone you love. The side of the bed I was on was facing the wall. I was going to have to really pull some smooth moves to get out of here without waking him up. Should I wake him up? No I'd just let him sleep. I finally find my phone and I'm shocked it's 4AM. How Monica found herself in situations like this with random men all the time, I'll never know. Hunting my clothes was another odyssey. I finally did find my clothes but could only find one earring. It wasn't like they were real diamonds but they were one of my favorite pairs. Kate Spade studs. Oh well. Maybe Steven would find them later. Then the panic really hits me. I can't be exactly sure given how confused I was during the sex but I don't think Steven used a condom. I wasn't on birth control. I'd have to go to the 24 hour Wal-Mart and buy Plan-B on the way home. I turned back and looked at Steven one last time before leaving. I couldn't believe it was me this time walking away from him. Leaving the one thing I'd ever wanted.

I bend over and kiss Steven as gently as I can on the lips as to not wake him and whisper, "I'd give anything for you to have been the one."

I then walk out of Steven's mom's house and Steven's life and cry. I don't know if I dodged a bullet or just lost my last chance with who I can't help but believe was meant to be the love of my life.