'don't give a fuck' attitude. / tyler joseph | ✓

three.

TRIGGER WARNING!

I walked Tyler home, then I walked home...in the pouring rain. I walked up on my doorstep, hesitating to open the door, even though I wanted to get out of the freezing rain. I opened the door and tried to run up the stairs without being noticed, but failed.

"Quinn Lynn Bordon, where have you been?" my mother's voice boomed from the kitchen. I cringed as I heard her callused feet stomp across the tile floor into the living room.

"I walked a kid home," I said, going to walk up the stairs but was stopped by the gnawing grip of my mom's hand on my arm. That's definitely going to leave bruises on me. I yanked my arm from her.

"That's no excuse, young lady," she said sternly.

"It's nothing, fuck off!" I yelled as I ran up the stairs. I don't usually cuss when i'm around my mother, she doesn't stand for it. Especially when it's speaking directly to her. She'll knock you out faster than you get the words out. I ran in my room and slammed the door, locking it immediately. I went to my bed and bundled up fists of my hair, clenching my teeth. The rain drops hitting hard against the window panes only adding to the nightmare going on in my head right now. The voices were too loud. They've never gotten this loud. Ever. I took my hands out of my hair and put my hand on the side of my opposite arm, running my fingernails hard across the skin. Tears were already streaming down my face. I went into my personal bathroom, walking to the mirror. My face looked warped. Probably from the tears maybe from something else. I didn't know anymore. I screamed loud, extremely loud, throwing my fist forward and into the mirror, watching as the mirror shattered, falling apart and most of the pieces of glass falling into the sink underneath it. I looked at my knuckles, they were now bleeding. They just felt tingly. No pain. I sobbed, my throat feeling tight and fatigued. I needed someone. Someone to control me. Someone to watch me, because the voices are so loud...I couldn't control myself. I grabbed my phone off my bed because it fell out of my pocket when I sat down. I scrolled through my minimal amount of contacts. Sarah came up, I pressed call, putting it to my ear. I listened to the ring, ring ring, until it went to voicemail. The voice of the operator a distant whisper, the voices in my head overrunning it. I had no one else in my contacts I could call. Only one person, Tyler. But I couldn't call him. He wouldn't understand. But I couldn't risk myself. I opened my window, climbing out onto the roof, the rain had stopped. It looked like it could start up again any moment now. I tried climbing across the roof, the roofing slippery from the rain a moment before. I found a low spot, jumping off and landing on my feet on the green, slippery grass, dropping my phone in the process. I bent over, picking it up and running out of the front yard, so there wasn't a chance my mom would see me. I ran, and ran, and ran. Until my lungs burned and I gasped for air. The tears were soaking my face. I wiped them with my palms. The voices were only getting louder, and louder. I needed to just get to someone fast. I had to go to Tyler. I had no other choice. You never know, maybe he would understand. I saw his house at the end of the street, starting to run again even though my lungs felt they could explode any moment. I stepped on his doorstep. Why did I come here? I'm such an idiot. The beginning of my panic attack had started as I was running, I needed to get calm, but the fucking voices wouldn't shut up. Why wouldn't they shut up? I began breathing even heavier than I already was, the tears didn't stop, the voices didn't stop. It was all getting worse. By the second. I finally lifted my uninjured hand to the door, knocking. I just hoped his parents wouldn't answer the door. The door creaked open, I stood there hyperventilating. I couldn't speak. I didn't know who opened the door because everything was warped.

"Quinn, are you alright?" Tyler asked, pulling me inside his house and setting me on a couch in an unknown livingroom.

"No. The. Voices. Are..." I trailed off. I couldn't speak it was too much. The tears were coming down my face at rapid speeds. Tyler's hand came to my face, I flinched as he swiped his thumb across my face. He sat on the couch next to me, putting his hands on either side of my face and finding my eyes.

"Quinn, shhh, it's going to be alright," he said, keeping my head still even though I was shaking my head, and just shaking in general.

"The voices," I sobbed out. Still breathing heavily and it wasn't stopping. "They're getting louder, Tyler," I sobbed out, my chest heaving. I could never get a big enough breath.

"Quinn, I need you to hold your breath," he said. I tried to, but I couldn't it always needed out. "Quinn, it's going to be alright."

"I can't take it, Tyler. I'm afraid," I said the tears gaping at my eyes. Tyler pulled me into his chest, stroking my hair. I burrowed my head into the crook of his neck, bundling the fabric of the back of his shirt up into my fists. I was sweating and I just felt overall more horrible than I have in years. The warmth of his body just soothed me. I lost myself in the voices. Saying mean things, but I managed to zone them out and focus on my breathing. He took my from his chest, which just made me grasp out for it.

"Quinn, tell me," he said, putting his hands on my shoulders and keeping me still. He looked down at me arm, the one that already had bruises on them.

"What's wrong with me?"

His eyes explored my arms, up until where the sleeve cut off. My elbow. My forearm and hands, the only things exposed. Tyler glanced at me before taking his hand up my arm and pushing the sleeve of my flannel up. The fabric of his hoodie dragging across the soft bruises my mom left. His eyes widened as he saw the cuts, the bruises, the burns. He glanced up at me. Suddenly, pulling me into a big hug. In instinct, I buried my face into his neck.

"Quinn," he whispered, his head hanging over my shoulder. His arms tightening around my waist.

"I didn't want you to know," I said into his shoulder, tears sliding down my face.

"It's okay, Quinn. I understand," he said. Those words. Those words right there, they just made me helpless. Just knowing he understood. It just...saved me.

"I'm scared of myself, Tyler," I whispered to him. I felt him hum. He hugged me tighter.

"It's okay."

Tyler pulled away from me and sighed, looking into my eyes. Like he was searching them for something. He leaned forward, pulling his sweatshirt off, over his head. A black tee was underneath. "I understand totally, Quinn."

He turned over his arms, revealing scars. So many scars. I looked up at him. The pain I felt. Our eyes connected and I pulled him into another hug.

"Thank you, so much. Tyler."