'don't give a fuck' attitude. / tyler joseph | ✓

twenty-one.

I opened my eyes, tears instantly surfacing. Today. Today i'm graduating, today i'm that much closer to losing Tyler. I took a long breath, getting up for school. Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, standing my shaky frame up straight. I went to the bathroom, grabbing out my makeup bag and shakingly grabbing out my mascara. I tried putting it on, but my salty tears smudging it each time. Only making me more frustrated and making my cry even harder than I already was. I picked up the makeup back, hurling it across the room and watching as everything that was in it scattered throughout the bathroom. I pressed my back against the door, sliding down it and putting my head between my knees, just crying. Letting out all the tears that I wouldn't let out in front of Tyler. Everything. And it didn't help. At all. It didn't help with the gaping hole in my chest and the words, "i'm vulnerable", written on my face. Because that's what I felt. That is exactly how I fucking felt. My body shaking. My thoughts getting worse. And nothing I could possibly do about it. What was I even thinking.

After a few minutes of just crying to myself on the bathroom floor, I got up. Picking up the remnants of my makeup bag that I threw across the bathroom. Drying my tears, then putting my makeup on like a normal person. Then getting dressed, some nice jeans and a cotton tee with a nice little breast pocket will do. Putting on some basic boots and grabbing my bag. I stepped into the bathroom again, running a brush through my tangled hair, then checking myself over in the hallway mirror. Taking a big breath. "I can do this," I repeated for a few second before my phone buzzed. I walked out of the apartment and locking it before taking out my phone and reading the text.

"See you soon, beautiful."

I smiled, despite the aching pain in my chest. I shut off my phone, shoving it back in my pocket before walking down the stairs to the bottom floor, and beginning my walk to my last day of high school.

Tyler was waiting on the bench outside the school. Leaned over with his elbows balanced on his knees. His phone in his hands as he scrolled through whatever he was on. I smiled slightly at him, biting my lip and forcing back to sad thoughts. He looked over, smiling at me. He turned off his phone, standing up and walking over to me. He wrapped his warm arms around me, engulfing me in a big hug. That I needed with every ounce of me. Laying my head on his shoulder and sighing. Wrapping my arms around him, too.

"We'll be okay," he whispered. So quietly that I don't think he meant for me to hear him. I nodded into his shoulder. He pulled away, wrapping my hand in his and smiling at me, walking inside with me. And I instantly felt my shield come up. Whenever I was in the school, I constantly felt I had to defend myself. From the bullies, and everyone else. I didn't want to. But, I had to. I didn't want to see Tyler, or me get picked on. Ever. Hopefully people will be good enough to leave each other alone on the last day of high school.

Since it's the last day of school, all the seniors get to go to the gym. Bring their phones, school laptops, and other stuff that will keep them busy. But, I just brought my phone, which I most likely wont use since Tyler is with me.

Everyone piled into the gym, the bleachers out for the ones who would rather sit up there. Tyler and I went to the farthest corner of the gym, thankfully no one we knew was over there. We sat down, sighing in unison as we looked around the gym at everyone.

"I'm not going to miss this," I laughed, looking over at him. He had a smart-ass look on his face.

"Hopefully you'll miss me," he said, nudging me with his shoulder.

"Oh, shut up. God, i'm going to cry my eyes out," I said, looking down at my lap, playing with my shaky fingers. He lifted his hand from his lap, grabbing my hand and gently gliding his thumb over my knuckles.

"Please don't, I..." he trailed off, his voice cracking. I looked up to his face, a tear running down his cheek. God. "I hate seeing you that way."

"I do, too," I replied, leaning forward a bit more so no one around us could hear us. Even though no one would probably care.

"I'm not going to be able to protect you, Quinn," his voice cracking again as his hands started to shake and more tears left his eyes, making tears start to well in mine.

"I'll be okay, Tyler," I said. I doubted it, seriously. But I could try my very best, for him. He looked up to my face, flickering his eyes between mine.

"Promise me," he said quietly. Trying to avoid his breaky voice. I looked down, closing my eyes for a moment. I couldn't do that.

"I can't," I said quietly.

"Then i'm not going," he said quietly. My eyes shot up to meet his, my hand shooting up to his jaw and pointing his face to level mine.

"No. You're going. You're going to go and pursue your life. Whether it's without me or not. I'm not holding you back," I said, shaking my head. Flickering my eyes between his as he did the same. He was now crying fully, making my heart practically snap in my chest. He took my hand from his jaw, bringing his hands around me and pulling me into his chest tightly. Feeling as if he would never let me go. And I would be totally okay with it. He buried his face in my hair. I felt calm although there were a hundred kids around us. Talking of totally different subjects.

"Then promise me. Don't let yourself be afraid. Don't hurt yourself. Please," he pleaded to me, crying into my hair. I don't think he cared that everyone was in the same room with us. He just was stuck in the moment. As was I. I never wanted to let this man go. But I had to today. And there was a chance i'd never see him again. He would probably forget about me. But I would never forget about him.

***

these updates are so late. i'm so so so sorry. i've been so busy lately, and i've had no motivation. stay alive, friends. |-/ Xx