'don't give a fuck' attitude. / tyler joseph | ✓

eleven.

TRIGGER WARNING! If you are at all triggered by the following, stop reading now. Cutting, schizophrenic voices, extreme vulgar language.

I was so close. And it scared me more than anything. I had found a bottle of sleeping pills, and a pencil sharpener which I pulled the razors out of and have been twirling them in my fingers ever since. For three hours. The voices were persistent in making me slip. Fall into a deep whole again. It was the middle of the night. Maybe two or three. Tyler fast asleep in his bed. I was crying and just letting the thoughts eat me alive. Ever since I left the roof, they've been so persistent.

You should have jumped today, you know that?

I nodded, "I know."

You are so fucking useless!

I put the blade to my upper arm. I was so scared.

You're scared? Scared of what? Me!

They kept screaming at me. "Yes, i'm scared of you," I said, sobbing my words and taking the blade away for a moment. I put my palm to my forehead, sobbing and dropping the blade on the ground. I wrapped my arms around my legs. Putting my forehead on top of my knees.

End it already!

I was sobbing so hard. I did want to end it. But I also didn't because lately, things had finally been looking up. Just a little. I picked up the razor and drew a thin bloody line on my upper arm.

"Quinn?" Tyler's voice came through the door, wiggling the doorknob panically. "Quinn, please open the door!"

"Tyler, i'm sorry. I can't do this anymore," I sobbed quietly, trying to catch a breath, but my throat was so dry and fatigued.

"Quinn, please don't do this, please," Tyler sounded so sad. I was doing this to him. God, what am I doing?

I heard rattling, then the door opened, Tyler rushing in, getting on his knees. He quickly took the razor out of my hand, throwing it on the floor and scooping me up in his arms. He leaned against the tub, laying me across his lap.

"Did you do it?" Tyler whispered in my ear. I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. He looked at my arm. About three deep cuts were open and bleeding. He grabbed his first aid kit under his sink, laying it on the ground and putting some gauze on it, patching it up and letting me lay my head on his shoulder.

"I hate living," I whispered to him, digging my face in the crook of his neck.

"I know, baby, just hang on for me," Tyler cooed, kissing my temple. I looked up at him, flickering my eyes between his and leaning forward, putting my hand on his jaw as I placed my lips on his, kissing him. Tyler kissed back, the kiss getting heated faster than I thought it would.

WARNING: Avery! Stop reading! Save your virgin mind! Prepare the smut!

He picked me up, his hands holding me up under my thighs. He brought me back into his room, putting my back against the wall as he slipped his tongue into my mouth and ran his hands under my shirt. He brought be off the wall, pulling my shirt up and over my head, taking it off. I crossed my legs behind his back, holding myself up. I pulled him closer, his warm chest against mine. He moved me on to the bed, running his fingers across my hips, kissing my neck. He dipped his fingers inside the fabric of my underwear, coming dangerously close as my stomach heated up and my breath hitched.

"Tyler," I whimpered, pulling him closer and burying my face into his shoulder as he curled his fingers into me and I moaned. He moved as my stomach boiled. God, Tyler. He got up, pulling a foil packaging off his dresser and bringing it over to the bed.

"Only if you're comfortable with it," he whispered in my ear as he leaned down.

"I don't know, maybe not yet," I said back. Feeling bad about it, even if I shouldn't have. He nodded, smiling down at me.

"It's okay," he said, rolling next to me as he leaned down handing me my shirt off the floor. I put it on, as he smirked at me. He was such an amazing guy, i'm so glad we talked for the first time. Became friends. Because even the small time i've known him, he's done so much. I got up, going back into the bathroom and picking up the razors and bottle of sleeping pills and taking them into the room, putting them into my duffle bag without Tyler looking over. I went over to his bed, laying in next to him. He wrapped his arms around my waist, putting his head on my shoulder.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," I whispered back.

***

I feel weird reading this, and I wrote it. Smh.