'don't give a fuck' attitude. / tyler joseph | ✓

twenty-four.

It was 4 a.m.

Tyler's flight that would take him away from me, and to his dream, was in 3 hours and I couldn't seem to sleep. I could barely close my eyes from all the worry and adrenaline that was pumping hard and fast through my veins.

And I've done a lot of thinking.

I didn't want to hold Tyler back. Ever. I knew I would. I knew him and I knew that he was going to stay if I didn't come this morning. I knew it very well. And so did he.

The sun was just peaking out of the trees in the early morning. His facial features soft and vulnerable as I stood, hovering over him for a moment before taking a step back and sitting on the floor a few feet away. Crossing my legs and putting my face in my hands as I contemplated my decision that I had conjured up in the last 7 hours.

Was I really going to do this?

My entire body began to shake as tears silently fell down my face. Biting my lip to keep from making any sound as I watched Tyler just sleep. His entire body looked happy and free. And I was going to ruin that. Just demolish it with what I was about to do.

I stood up again, walking into the kitchen that was only about 10 feet away. Grabbing a piece of paper from the printer and a pen on my way in. I stood there, clenching the pen in my hand as I laid the paper on the cold counter, pressing the pen to it. Writing a note.

Dear Tyler,

I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry for this but it needed to be done. You and I both knew that you weren't going to go to LA if I didn't come with you. But you have to go. Don't come looking for me. Just go, and don't ever look back. I'm so truly sorry. Sorry for the feeling in your chest right now as you read this. And for the tears most likely running down your cheeks. And every single fleck of pain I've ever caused you. I never meant to. I'm a toxic person to be around and I think you somehow always knew that. You knew it to the bone and you still held on to me. And I could never thank you enough for loving me the way you did. And putting all your faith in me when I didn't even have faith in myself.

I love you, Tyler Robert Joseph. More than I've ever loved anything on Earth. More than I could ever describe. More than you or me would ever be able to describe. You're probably thinking now that it was all fake. That it was never real. But it was. It really was. I swear to you. I'm sorry. I love you. I still do. And I always will.

With much love, Quinn B.

I love you to Pluto and back. X.

And with that, I took up the note. Holding it in my hands as I breathed heavily. Trying to keep myself from crying. I was desperately trying to hold on to my decision in the pit of my stomach as I walked back over to Tyler. His body has shifted and he was now laying on his stomach. His arms tucked under his body as he laid there. A small smile on his face as he did. It was beautiful to look at. It really was.

I lifted the note to my face, laying a soft kiss on the paper before setting it down on the ground. Right in the place where I was supposed to be laying next to him.

I picked up my bag from the side table, slinging it over my shoulder, not taking my eyes off of Tyler.

I was wrecking him right now. I was causing him so much pain and I couldn't really wrap my head around it. How he was so in love with me and I never fully realized it until last night. And now I was throwing it all away.

But I had to. I had to keep telling myself that. Because it was true. Very true. So beyond fucking true. And it had to be done.

I stepped away, leaving the love of my life laying there. His entire body peaceful and vulnerable as I silently opened the door, holding it open for a moment as I watched him.

His body suddenly shifted, his arm coming out from under him and laying next to him. Right where I was supposed to be. But I wasn't there. Only that little action made my heart shatter.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. So quietly that I could barely hear it over my own breathing and his mixed in the air together. Biting my lip as I breathed heavily.

My heavy breaths quickly turned into heavy sobs as I stepped out, closing the door behind me as I began to walk. Walk away from what happiness I had. But I'd gladly walk away from any happiness I ever had just so he could have a chance at happiness. I mean, that is what I was doing.

My feet padded away. Each step farther away from the house pulling harder and harder on my heart.

I eventually made it to town, where I called a taxi. Telling the driver to take me to my apartment building where I would hide out until Tyler's flight had boarded at 7 a.m.

When 6 a.m finally came, my phone began to blow up with calls. Calls and calls from Tyler, and one or two from Josh, but I refused to pick up. I held my knees to my chest as my phone continued to go off at the foot of my bed. Tears streaming down my face. Runnels of dried tears remaining on my face from earlier even when new ones replaced them.

But it eventually came to a stop. And my entire world fell silent for a moment. And my nerves calmed a bit. The guilt in my chest settling. I knew I had done the right thing.

I laid my head down on my pillow, switching my phone off and setting it down on my nightstand as I began to drift off to sleep. My eyes drooping as my lips parted and I mumbled one last phrase before drifting to a deep sleep.

"I love you."