Her lips; an ART

Chapter 55

Yvaine's POV

I was lost... sad and mad. I was stuck in that very moment. I never thought I would be this dense and painful. I watched my wife get tired of me just because I'm in pain too. We've lost the first attempt of getting a baby. I lost hope. I couldn't see any reason to continue my life because I was done.

Ang sabi ko tama na... ayoko na. Hindi na ako uulit pero meron pa ding maliit na pag-asa saakin na hindi ko pa kayang tanggapin ulit. Maybe because I didn't expect it could happen that fast. Maybe because I didn't have the nerve to actually enter motherhood but I tried. Gusto kong ulitin, gusto ko ulit mag try pero paano kapag ayaw na niya?

Tumakbo ako palabas noong makita ko si Kale na palabas na ng bahay. She was holding a luggage, her luggage. We didn't even sleep together last night and it's hurting me to the core.

"Where are you going? Kale!" habol ko.

I stopped her even before she could hold on to the door of her car. She didn't look at me... I heard my heart being shattered like a fucking mirror. Ganito din ba ang naramdaman niya noong ako naman ang humi hindi sa bawat paglapit niya saakin?

"We've talked about this last night... I'm going back to our apartment" malamig at seryoso niyang tugon.

I lost of words. Nabitawan ko nalang ang kaniyang kamay sa kawalang pag asa kong makausap siya ng maayos. Siguro ay galit pa siya saakin.

"Puwede namang sa guest room ka nalang love... I swear hindi kita kukulitin kahit nasa iisang bahay tayo" pagpupumilit ko.

"Just for a week, Yvaine... hayaan mo muna ako" aniya.

Wala na akong alam na isasagot sa sinabi niya. I just nodded my head and distance myself when she started the engine. Parang wala akong buhay nung pumasok na ako ulit sa bahay. Now that she left and I'm alone I could feel every emotion, every pain... lahat lahat. Hindi ko alam kung anong uunahin ko but one thing is for sure, I will spend the whole day crying.

Three months... tatlong buwan akong naging cold at hindi mahagilap. Aminado naman ako sa sarili kong may pagkukulang din ako. Naging selfish ako, naging makasarili ako dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ko tatanggapin lahat. I didn't want to burden her which was never a good idea. Mas naburden ko pa nga siya noong hindi na niya ako makausap ng maayos eh. Kale still tried and was so persistent to pursue me and comfort me but I was a bitch and didn't really want her to do things for me. Sinisi ko ba siya? I wanted to blame her but I know she didn't really have any fault from what happened.

That sad part of our lives was unintentional so it's not really good to put the blame on someone else's face. I would never blame Kale for that.

She will hate me if I tell her that I got bad dreams since that day. Ayaw ko siyang mag alala pa lalo kaya hindi ako nagsabi dahil akala ko matatapos din kapag unti unti ko na itong kinalimutan. Hindi pa pala. I still got nightmares, Kale doesn't know. Kapag ba nagsabi ako sakanya ngayon maniniwala kaya siya? Hindi kaya niya isipin na ginagawa ko lang yun para bumalik na siya agad dito?

This one week separation is not a solution, it will never be. Pakiramdam ko habang tumatagal na hindi kami nagkikita at nagkakasama ay mawawala siya saakin. Mawawalan siya ng pagmamahal at baka makalimutan na din niya ako. My head's giving me bad ideas and I don't want it.

I didn't want to sulk inside our house. I've just decided to go to the office and get some works done. Siguro after ko dito, dadaanan ko siya para mabigyan ko ng dinner. She won't probably eat it with me so I'll have it taken out. Sa bahay nalang din ako kakain, might feel weird but I guess I have to respect her decision right now. She respected my self pity for three months, deserve din naman siguro niya ang mahayaan diba.