Rhenna

Fifty-Four

                        I couldn't feel. My legs were numb. My shoulders, and back. Everywhere he touched. Everywhere he left a mark. It burned.

The water wasn't helping. I've been standing in the shower for the past half hour, and I don't feel any cleaner. No matter how scorching I get the water, or how hard I scrub myself.

When I finally step out of the bath I avoid looking in the mirror. I dont want to see. It's enough that I know the nail, and bite marks are there. The turtleneck, and sweatpants I put on don't seem to cover it.

Or maybe that's just me.

I flipped off the lights in the bathroom and shuffled out into the living room. My piles of blankets were waiting on the couch, and I gently collapsed into them.

It's been almost two days since...the thing with Jae. He's been leaving early, and getting back from work late so I haven't had to face him. But he leaves me notes.

I find them everytime I bother to stay awake longer then five minutes, or when I get up to use the restroom.

I've been on the couch most of the time. I wont go upstairs. I can't.

Honestly, if I'm awake I feel like I'm slowly dying from insanity or starvation. And when I'm asleep I get the nightmares. They come and go. Some about my mum's drug buddies beating the crap out of me. Some about them...using me. And then there's the ones with Jae.

I tried my hardest to keep those ones locked away. I shoved them down, and had almost forgotten about them until recently.

I wake up most nights, or days muffling my screams. I'm not one for tears, but lately it's been hard to keep them from coming.

I've also lost my motivation to watch tv. Cartoon or not. Or step foot outside this apartment. Or think about Conn, Nick, and even Blondie.

Thankfully, I have no idea where my phone is so I don't have to deal with them trying to contact me.

I can just waist away on this couch.

Me and my pills. Though, I've already finished them off. Awhile ago actually. I've just been unmotivated to get more.

Fuck Blondie!

I would still have some if it weren't for him.

Maybe.

I was thinking, if I ever leave this couch, that I'll get some better pills. Maybe ill even try herion again.

That shit was good back in the day.

I don't think I've got enough energy for that tho.

-------------------------------------------

I woke to the sound of soft knocking. At first I couldn't tell if it was reminiscence from one of my dreams or not. But it didn't stop. And it was getting louder.

I stumbled off the couch, and sluggishly walked over to the door. I wasn't in the finest shape for visitors, but I had less then half the reason to care.

I opened the door, and froze.

I thought that maybe it'd be paper guy, or some service carrier. But no. The person "people" in the doorway were my mum, and a guy I didn't recognize.

"What are you doing here?" I asked slowly. My gaze flickering between both of them. I didn't want my mother seeing me like this.

"Jae told me I should stop by". She answered with a nervous smile.

"Why?"

She glanced at the man then back at me. "He said you weren't doing so good. Said I should check up on you".

He-Jae Ventis- was the sole purpose of my 'not doing so good'. He fucking knew that.

"Go away". I mumbled, looking at my patterned socks.

Despite my consistent hours of slumber I still felt so tired. My body was crashing. Either from starvation or depression. Maybe both.

My mum scanned me over from head to toe. "He was right. You look horrible Elin".

"Leave me alone". I said with more conviction.

"I just want to talk".

I hate my mum. I hate what she did to me. I hate what she was. But, in that moment I just wanted someone-anyone to hold onto.

Dropping my head I took a step back as a silent invitation for her to enter. "Kay".

A sad smile stretched across her lips and she stepped in. The man with her followed.

I went back to the living room and sat down on my couch. Things were a mess right now. I had a puke bucket. Clothes were thrown around. Empty water bottles were scattered on the coffee table.

I almost felt bad for bieng the cause of such a mess. But then again my mum raised me in a junkie house. This was nothing compared to what I had.

She took a seat on the recliner to my left, and the man remained on his feet next to her.

"This is Carter". Mum said, waving her hand at the man. "We've been dating for almost a year now".

That was shocking. Mum was never one to get into long term relationships.

"Listen, Elin". She began. Her voice was drawn tight with nerve. "I know I was awful. I didnt take care of you right. I'm not deserving of the mother title".

All that was true.

"But I want to start over. Im better now. I can make us work".

"Is that why you and Jae called social services?"

"Social services? I don't know what your talking about".

The way she spoke told me that she was indeed not the one responsible for the SC showing up at the Pros company.

"Why dont you come around to my new place? I know you'll like it".

If it was my mother's then I knew for sure that I wouldn't.

"It's small, but it's cozy".

"Why did you stop?" I asked. I wasn't sure if I really cared or not. I was just curious. What could have made my mum stop the very thing that she loved so dearly? It defiantly wasn't me.

"I ODd".

Not surprising.

"I got a second chance".

Was this women really my mum?

"I went to meetings. I met Carter". She rushed out.

"I want you to leave". I couldn't do this. I couldn't sit here and listen to how she changed. She inflicted so much pain, but now she's got her life together. While, I felt like mine was falling apart.

Mum leaned over and set a small slip of paper on the coffee table. I couldn't read the words,but I was guessing it was probably her address.

"My door is always open to you Elin". She said before her and Carter left.

I stared at the tv screen. Catching a distorted reflection of myself. Who ever was looking back did not look like me.

I exhaled and fell sideways onto the couch. I snuggled into the blankets then slipped into another nightmere.