BCN | Temptation in the Dark | Chan x Reader (female)

Chapter 15

It was a long time before I managed to find the energy to stand up and leave the library.

I wasn't even really sure how I made it back to my room, but somehow, I was there.

I didn't even remember to turn on the lights - I stumbled over to my bed, and curled up in a ball, arms wrapped around myself.

But even though Chan was gone, his voice kept echoing over and over in my mind.

A soft sob escaped me, and I pressed a shaking hand to my lips before any more slipped free.

Emotions churned through me as I replayed the memories over and over - his cold voice, his taut expression, and his fading warmth.

I knew that if I let go of him, I was going to lose him for good.

I knew I had to hold him as tightly as I could. I knew it, but...

I hadn't held tightly enough. He'd slipped free of my embrace, and I'd lost him in the darkness.

I closed my eyes, picturing his beautiful face again, and then I heard a rhythmic tapping at the window.

"...Rain?"

I stumbled over to the window, tugging one curtain open, and stared listlessly at the heavy drops hammering down outside.

Suddenly, I found myself remembering the night when Chan had first told me that he hated the rain.

And now, I finally knew why. He had a very good reason to hate it.

It rained on him as they were burning him at the stake. That's why he hates it so much.

All this time... all these years, he's been longing to die...

I shut the curtain and turned away, not wanting to think about the rain anymore.

Is there anything I can actually do for him, to help him?

Anything at all?

Every part of me was screaming at me to go to him, to hold him, to help him. To find a way through this for both of us.

But I had no idea what to do. There was nothing I could think of that would get through to him.

I'd always known that our lives had been drastically different - but I hadn't realised how helpless it would make me feel.

 I threw myself down on the bed, burying my face in the pillow, and in the dark, where no one could see me, I let the tears flow.

It felt good to let it all out and have a good, long cry, and when my tears finally slowed, I sat up again, wiping them away.

Crying might make me feel a bit better, but it's not going to help Chan. So...

I sighed softly and slumped back against the pillow again, staring up at the ceiling as I tried to come up with ideas.

But Chan's deep, abiding desire for death was beyond anything I'd ever faced before, and I didn't know how to overcome it.

I love you, Chan.

I love you so, so much, and you are so dear to me.

What I felt for him was so strong and overwhelming I knew I'd never be able to ignore it.

And no matter how many times he pushed me away, I knew my love for him would never fade.

But I've never been through the sort of pain and grief he's gone through. I can never fully understand how he feels.

And without that, I don't know how to find a way to bring him back out of the darkness...

I closed my eyes, my shoulders slumping, and familiar images of the world I'd lived in flashed through my mind.