You promised me the world
You did,
A young, smart girl with a bright future
She believed in you.
More than anything, she trusted you.
She loved you.
You said we'd build a house
with trampolines for walls
You said I'd be in an art gallery one day
Among the monets and artists of my time
And so I never stopped drawing,
Because I wanted it to be true.
You told me to never forget how to love
You said the trombone was your favorite, and so I played it
You always said black was cooler than white and I wear black to school every day,
As if attending the funeral of that feeling I had
You taught me table manners and math
You taught me how to use a controller and that it's okay to cry,
You taught me to be strong when there's pain,
To 'walk it off' and don't let anyone see how much it hurts to scrape your knee
And have no one come help to pick you up
You said to me "you can trust me."
You put that antibacterial cream on my hand
You told me it was going to hurt, when everyone else said it wouldn't
And you said, you PROMISED
that you'd always be the one to tell me the truth
And yet you expect me to pick and choose
Of all the things you scream at me while you're blinded in your rage
The things I'm supposed to believe, and the ones I'm supposed to forget.
Calling me things I couldn't say in church, telling me you don't care about me
That you never did.
Where is the line drawn between angry-blind banter and the things you always wanted to say
But never could?
You held me by my throat over the kitchen sink
When no one else was watching, and you told me to just do my job and not to talk back
And to this day, you insist that never happened.
That everything I've said is made up, I just want to get you in trouble, that I'm crazy.
I've seen you cry a thousand tears
You've seen me cry tenfold that amount
You broke my heart before any of the boys you told me to stay away from even had the chance
You threw my drawings and pictures away, you punched holes in my walls
You told me to grow up and then told me I should know my place as your child
I've watched you leave permanent marks on my brothers back,
Next to the temporary ones that would fade the next day
The thunderous clap of skin on red, screaming skin never stopped ringing through my head
And now he sits and he escapes through his screens and he will never scream again
Not in happiness,
Not in pain,
Not in joy,
Not out of despair or love
He will never scream again, because you taught him he was less of a man if he did.
And because he's stronger than you now.
I know you have a heart behind your black, withered lungs and creaking bones
I know because I put it there, or so the story goes
Part of me still tries to extend that offer to you, to let you be a part of my life
But you insist, countless times that it's yours.
And I'm taking it back.
You never loved me, you loved the love I gave you when I was young
You told me to never cut my hair, never grow up
You hated it every time I aged up
And said "are you really 16 already?"
You told me not to change my name because it was a gift and it's rude to throw it away
But you told me you wanted my last name to be yours.
Your daughter. Your smallest daughter.
She has the eyes of wonder your other children have lost. A child, she wants the world without any of its consequences.
You'd break your back to give it to her, wouldn't you?
She's losing that childlike love for the world around her, a murky mud taking its place
I sincerely hope, whoever she chooses to be, that you'll love her more unconditionally than your two sons
Your son, your second son.
He doesn't have a clue what to do anymore.
A man can only take so much criticism before he realizes he's reaching for an impossible goal
He just wants you to care about the things he does, because he cares so much more than anyone else
He grew up without his emotions and it's because of you.
Your son, your oldest son. He looks at you with glitter in his eyes
The same glitter the girl who believed you'd be the one to help her touch the stars had in hers
He will never forget what you've done for him, to him. He'll carry it with him for the rest of his life.
And you won't be there to see it.
You will die without the privilege of that shine.
