Every crack in the wall,
Every bump on your popcorn ceiling.
There's 207,983 of them.
I haven't forgotten.
You counted them incessantly whenever you couldn't sleep,
When the sounds of shouting and wondering if getting up to ask a question was really so bad
Were keeping you up.
Your little brother's fast asleep below you.
You talked to him all night to distract him from the noise.
He doesn't understand yet, he just thinks you're in trouble.
Well, I guess you were.
If I could, I would kiss you goodnight and tuck you in for the night.
You deserve the world, little girl.
No one will tell you anything like that unless you do something they deem worth it.
So you never stopped trying to make them think you were worth it.
It's not your fault- it never was.
You're not here anymore. Your name, your face, your little hands and littler sense of worth.
They're all gone.
But your heart, your love for music and art, your incredible sense of wonder and love
They remain.
They remain in me; and I'm still working every day to heal the damage they did to you.
I became exactly who you always wanted to be. I became someone others like you can come to.
I became kind and strong and caring.
I found a woman who makes me happy and I treat her like the princess she is.
Like the princess you were.
And the Prince you became.
Your energy, the things you loved, the world you owned and stood on,
They became mine and I carried on your journey and your life.
I still draw every day, I still love stuffed animals and toys, and I still stare in awe and love at pictures of stars.
The work you put in, the things you accomplished, I never stopped working either.
I graduated with honors. I got two diplomas. One for me, and one for you.
I've been called horrible things and stomped on by people who see me as the man who killed you.
Who buried your body with your smile and your name.
It was them who dragged your name through the mud until I couldn't bear to wear it anymore.
And it's me who hasn't disconnected you from the world. It's me who remembers, better than anyone.
It's me who thinks of you every day, and who still loves you exactly how you were,
While still accepting that you're gone.
The world was cruel to you, and out of it, you learned and grew.
You became exactly what you always wanted.
You stayed truer to yourself than anyone you've ever met.
You would be proud, if you saw me stand before you now.
If you saw my wonderful friends, my beautiful girl.
You'd be so happy if you saw my cats.
You'd look at the drawings I've made and think you could never do that in a million years
But you can, you did, and you always will.
And every time I draw those pictures, I'm thinking of your pencil sketches and the work you put in to get me here.
Every time I shout and scream the same volume they did, with my bigger lungs,
I'm protecting you with the voice you could never find the courage to use,
But you always had.
And I fight them to this day, for the same things.
And soon I feel I'll defeat them once and for all.
So you'll never feel endangered again.
Everything I have, everything I do. It's all for you.
I'll never forget you. I'll love you till the day I die.
I'll continue fighting to be the person you wanted to see in the world.
And, as always, I'll count the bumps on the ceiling. There's 197,097 where I am now.
