Secret Sins || Levi x Reader

Secret Sins || 1.12

(The Sinless Soldier)

"I'm trapped between the feeling of wanting to forget and wanting to hold on."

:—————:

A month has passed.

I haven't seen her since that day when the three men came to the bar screaming "Where the hell is that Woman!". It's been on the mind more than I would appreciate it to be, but no matter what I do, or how I try to ignore it; it comes back stronger and more disruptive.

I can't let her get to my head.

(I can't)

I won't let her get to my head.

(I won't)

I've only interacted with her twice and the second time was the first time I saw her face, so there's just no point in making this a big deal, yet it fucking is. Maybe it's the fact that she — no there shouldn't be a fact, since it's stupid to think that anyways.

She's probably never coming back to that place, ever.

"Captain?" A voice crept my direction. "Captain Levi?" I snapped out of it.

"What Yeager?" I uttered, eyes low against the kid. His green eyes widened from my sudden harsh tone out of the blue, which shouldn't be surprising given that I'm not the most interactive person in the Survey Corps, especially to the boy I had to give up so much in order to keep his scrawny ass alive and breathing.

"You-you told me to inform you that after I was done cleaning, you'd inspect my work." Yeager stumbled his first few words trying to compose himself.

I sighed. "If it's not to my expectations, you're cleaning it again and the commons." I added. Yeager's face turned sour, I know he hates cleaning the commons, everyone does, sometimes even me.

"Yes sir." He saluted as I walked away with bored eyes.

I ordered Yeager to clean out the now empty barracks we have due to many soldiers dying on our previous expedition. I told him explicitly to not touch anything that belonged to the Soldiers who once fought with us and to leave that job to me. It's only out of curtesy since they were once my Soldiers, so the only respectable way to clean their personal belongings out is if I do it, their Captain. And store everything of value in a safe place, out of reach from anyone.

Placing my hand on the doorknob I walked into the space where Oluo, Gunther and Eld shared their sleeping quarters. All the beds were like usual, a bunk bed against the far-right corner with a single bed to the left wall. Oluo could never sleep knowing someone was above him or below him.

Walking further through, I pressed the pads of my finger against the wooden table seeing if I collected any disgusting filth 'Nothing'. Nodding my head I looked around in each corner, I could see some particles of dust flying around like they were mocking me 'Unacceptable'. Walking towards the windowsill I stared out the almost clear window, the sun was out and shining brighter than ever. If the sun was a person, it would be glaring fire at me, wishing that my body would give in and die already. Wiping my hand across the windowsill surface. 'It was fine'.

Swiping my eyes across the Barracks, my vision became blurry as my memories began to play with my head. I can't stop the visions I get when walking into this room, how I routinely barged in without a solid reasoning as to why, but that I did. Mostly because they made a shit ton of noise in the middle of the night even I could hear, and I'm a level above those three with the addition of Hange's office being next to mine.

"Oluo-Gunther-Eld, all three of you, shut up. It's 2 in the morning, your asses should all be dead asleep right now." I could hear sudden movement in the room.

"Sorry Captain, we got a little-"

I cut off Eld. "-I don't care, get your asses to bed before I make you do night laps." The silence was deafening.

"We understand sir, will do." Gunther's voice was added into the mix.

"I'll be checking in an hour, if I catch even a glimpse of one of you awake, you are all on dish duty tomorrow, understand?"

"Yes, we understand Captain." Three voices synchronized together.

I rolled my eyes.

Turning my head to their wardrobes, I slowly began to unravel their belongings and separate what should be thrown away and what should be salvaged. Most of the stuff was garbage, but some things weren't.

In my mind, nothing was garbage in this room. Everything here held a memory that I will never forget, no matter how many years go by, no matter how many battles I will have to fight, no matter who I'll encounter. I will never forget their faces, not one.

I left about a half an hour later with a hand full of their personal belongings. To which I may return to their parents if I ever get the guts to face them again, especially with Petra's father.

'Petra...'

I felt myself grow heavy with the sudden feeling waving throughout me like a brick that was tied to my heart, pulling me deeper into the abyss of emotions.
Drowning me.

Petra's room was next.

I dread going in there, I dread it with all my strength to step a foot in there.

I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't bring myself to see her room again, it pains me so hard that air feels like a luxury to breath when the suffocating feeling of her presence no longer being here makes me feel.

I hate that someone who I was willing enough to give a chance at, died. She died in cold blood, she died for a cause that was useless, she died a soldier whose life didn't make any difference to our cause. I wish I could say her life made a difference, but I would be lying. I would be lying through gritted teeth because I know the truth, all my soldier's death were meaningless.

And it rages me, that it's always me. That it's always me who has to endure all the weight of their deaths on my shoulders and accept it.

(I'm forced to accept it)

All I have ever wanted in this fucked up world was for someone to stay by my side, and not leave. I don't want to lose someone who I was willing to give a piece of my heart too. I don't want to lose someone who I would've shown the most delicate parts of myself too. I don't want to lose someone who was able to spark that feeling deep down in my chest again.

I don't want to lose anyone.

But the cruel fact is that no matter how hard I try to keep people I care about alive, they always seem to die in the end. It always happens when I'm not there, the moment I leave, everyone that I have ever cared about dies.

Sometimes...I tend to feel like I'm cursed.

That something far beyond people's comprehension is cursing me to forbid me from ever getting close to anyone, that I'm meant to stay as a weapon for other forces. To be a mindless machine, built for war and destruction.

To forbid me from human love.

:—————:

An: How was the chapter?
Xoxo!

-T