Pack Queen ( under editing)

Chapter 40: Grow

Chapter 40: grow

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there's a certain tragedy to being a women don't you think, an innate fear, an innate danger, an innate insanity, your aspirations reduced to being some man's sidekick , possession , always feeling as if your only as good as you look. A lot of us only have some idea of what we look like , the mirrior is a lie, so is the camera , so are your friends and isn't that just terrifying to only have some idea of what you could possibly look. then theirs everything else isn't there the other suffering it almost feels as if it's a punishment of sorts, this is the price to pay to exist , a unique agony . Most people think if they make enough money it'll fix everything all their problems banished never to be seen or heard from again.

They only end up slaves themselves, at the mercy of capital exploiting those less fortunate and opportune, their miseries don't end , then theirs love everyone thinks it's the way out , the be all fix all , I don't blame them maybe it's the movies, maybe it's the shows or the books or the fucking religion, or the songs . It seems to be all around me this profound longing and desperation to be loved or wanted , as if we have never left our former selves , as if we have grown but only in height, tall children , tall and needy children. We're all needy so how can this work? how do we as docile, defenseless, naive and broken children love one another . I don't think love is enough I don't think it's ever been .

Wether it complicates or just makes everything worse or if it makes it better for a time then fine , that's just fine , but I find in my time that what we all need  is a release of sorts , however vague that seems a solution , whatever that means to whomever . a release , there's nothing like a good scream in the wind, a proper short lived  spiral into violence and chaos a good old fashioned perfectly sound , healthy and anyone who would say other wise is a grand liar who's pants are a flame as we speak .  Meltdown. 

The physical manifestation of all of your grief and suffering. Scream I say , scream to the winds , flip off the mountains,  punch a whole in a river , lose it , lose it , because we're all lost I think , found in some ways , wandering around in others , then again what do I know . I know not of anything not even of my likeness.

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" I spoke to Mason's father , he said he'd let you see Robin but under one condition ". Finn told

" and that condition is ? " I asked

" he wants you to meet with Mason , he said Mason's made multiple attempts to speak to you but have been met with rejection ". Finn told

" Mason hasn't made an attempt to speak to me , he's left me gifts that I have had to release to the custody of the trash , left notes that I have torn not once has he himself shown up to speak to me", I told

" had he would you have received him". Finn asked there was a small silence

" no ". I answered the fact that the McCann's are literally bargaining my meeting with Robin so they can further push this delusion reconciliation with Mason.

" so what's it going to be". Finn asked I let out a long sigh

" fine but I want to see Robin first", I told Finn dug out his phone and began dialing who I'm assuming is Mason's batshit crazy father, I sat there in a sort of zoned out state

" he'll be here within the hour, I probably shouldn't be here when he comes". Finn said

" no ... don't go I need you here" I said he nodded his head. I suppose I had to face Mason sometime, wether that be today or our wedding day. the first time I've been outside this property and it'll be to wed my sworn nemesis. I never pictured myself getting married, in fact I couldn't. As much as I complain about wanting normal mundane experiences that was the one thing I was fine with never having. Marriage was something to me of a prison, it meant starting a family , having kids, a mortgage and I'd shoot myself with a glock before I ended up a mother of three with a minivan dragging a scrounging group of children to and fro , making dinner for a man who couldn't more or less sort his own laundry. Besides I couldn't be a mother or raise a family I've never even had one of my own.