Pack Queen ( under editing)

Chapter 41: forgive

Chapter 41: forgive

" if it hurts  to breathe open a window "— Abel Tesfaye

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What is hatred ?  what is the desire to eradicate your enemies from the face of the earth . I use to think it was fear . You hate what you fear , things that oppress , people that harm you.  Though I don't think that anymore , these days I believe that it is grief . I am nothing in my heart in my soul even if not resentful. If not hateful, spiteful, angry  , grieving. 

How could I be anything else, my love is grief , my words , my thoughts, decisions it all becomes grief  .   I die everyday and rise from that death until I cannot .  a thousand funerals .  why must I die everyday, why must I live everyday ,  why must I mourn and mourn myself.  I have become Lazarus restless , weary , beaten down . Cheated by my masters.

scrambling for meaning , purpose , reason , anything to comfort me of my fate . The days past fabrications of time and life an I remain eroding within its constructions living dying grieving.

How dose one forgive this ? Can it be forgiven ?

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" after we were seprated the day of the dance , I couldn't help but think what would've happened if we'd made it out , where we'd be in some big city , small town , tropical island. I thought about just how close we were to ridding ourselves from this town I know all you ever wanted was to leave this place and see the world and I wanted that for you , I wanted to give that to you". Robin told I broke out into a  sheepish smile just imagining it

" you'd get some brand deal with Nike or adidas in a few years after posting some viral videos on YouTube  probably join illegal civ or something , I'd be opening some kinda of therapy practice or working with young people as a counselor ". I told

" that therapy practice would be in our home , an in between shifts I'd bring you sushi that I made from scratch or the saito family chicken katsu curry over rice for your lunch and despite all the statistics surrounding teen runaway couples we'd beat the odds , we'd make it ". Robin told I laughed wiping a tear from my face

" we would've I know that for sure". I told my head found his shoulder as we sat on the floor laying against the bed. The air conditioning could be heard buzzing in the background it was getting dark and the room grew an orange color. The sun was setting but it wasn't at the same time. My sun was right here next to me and in his presence despite circumstances I couldn't help but feel warmer better.

" Robin your going to have to let me go, I'm doomed I know this but you , you have a chance to be happy, and if I'm being honest I've been selfishly clinging onto you this entire time , holding you back , your in this now because of me , because of whatever I am and I am so sorry , but you still have a chance , don't waste another second on me ". I told

" nothing with you was a waste , I am glad I met you and if you think that me becoming a werewolf has somehow ruined my life then your wrong , you are magic mariah, I have seen and felt things that people only get to read or see on television. The night after I turned yeah it hurt like a bitch but I've never felt so whole and complete in my entire life I've only ever felt that great next to you . I'll learn to control the shift in time just like Finn but I've never been more alive , I love you , an I don't know how long it's gonna take for that to change or if it'll ever, I know I have to let you go and if I'm being honest I've been selfishly clinging on to you this entire time but if you come back to me I'll know it's us , I'll know that , that therapy practice and my brand deals and our house it's exists not in some alternate reality where we beat the odds but here in this life ". He said I found myself crying frantically wiping my tears  , he let out a sigh , caressing my head